The Cheeze-its of fire

There’s a whole lot of people that enter the Olympic games every year.  Only a handful of them win.  What happens to all the losers who go to the Olympics?  They don’t get gold medals.  They don’t even get their picture on the box of Wheaties, the breakfast of Champions.

Why doesn’t the Hostess cupcake company put the photo of the Olympics losers on their box after the Olympics are over.  It could say “Eat Ho hos, the snack cake for losers.”  Because hey, we can’t all be champions.

I wonder if there’s a point during the Olympics where a contestant realizes that there is no hope for winning.  They can’t just quit when they realize they’re doomed.  If I were at the Olympics and I realized that I wouldn’t even be getting a medal made from chocolate, I think I might just make a spectacle of myself.  I mean, if you are going to be a loser, why not just be a famous loser?

If I was running the hurdle race and I knew I wasn’t going to win, I would deliberately knock down all the hurdles.

Or if I was definitely going to loose the swim race, I would just stop and play dead.  All the cameras would be on meas I floated lifeless on the surface of the water.

Why not just take off all my clothes and do the swim race in the buff, now that would make me famous.  I heard that the original guys in the Olympics all competed naked.  It would be like making a symbolic statement.

Speaking of swimming in the Olympics naked, there is a legend in Japan about a naked swimmer.  According to this story, a guy was swimming in a competition when his Speedos came loose.  The guy was so focused on winning the race that he didn’t even notice.

The guy won the race, and then jumped out of the pool and jumped up and down with sheer and utter excitement.  I believe that this incident made him so famous that he was all over the news in Japan.

I know about this story because while I was in Seattle, I met a guy named Jake who told me all about it. The same exact thing happened to him.  He wasn’t a competitive swimmer, he just played on on TV.

Jake was a bit of a screw up in school, even though he had yuppie parents who lived in a posh house in Bellevue.  He didn’t want to go to college, so he went to Japan.  He got a job working as an actor while he was over there.  They have a need for Americans to play actors over there to play the part of the “white guy” in their TV shows. Jake didn’t speak Japanese, they just dubbed his voice.

There is this TV show in Japan that everybody loves to watch.  The show about real crazy stories that happened to people.  This one time, Jake was asked to play the part of the swimmer who lost his trunks during the swim race.  They told him the story about what happened and gave him instructions on what to do.  Unfortunately, the exact instructions must have got lost in translation, because they didn’t actually want him to kick off his Speedo and jump for joy in the buff.  They weren’t going to film that part.  They just wanted him to act like he was.  So when he turned up naked by the end of the show, everyone was a bit embarrassed.  I’m pretty sure that this happened, because Jake had the video of all the tv shows that he was in and he showed me all of them.

I can definitely feel his embarrassment.  Someone told me that when you go to have a massage, you have to take off all of your clothes.  Well, I was offered a free massage at a massage school when I was pregnant.  They told me to take off all my clothes and cover myself with a sheet.  So I did.  Nobody told me to leave my underwear on.  They could have told me that right off the bat instead of acting all weird-ed out and strange.  That was humiliating.

The worst thing about being pregnant is that you can’t drown your problems away with a nice bottle of rum.
I had to wait a while for that one.

After the twins were born, Jake came over to our house for a dinner party.  He brought a bottle of Absinthe and showed us the way to properly serve it the European way.

Absinthe is a bit of a novelty here in the United States.  Especially since it’s illegal to sell it here.  Jake had a bottle of it, because he had figured out a loophole in the law that enabled him to sell it on the internet.  He found some friends in Prague that would buy it and ship it to him.  He would take orders from people and then ship it to his customers.  We were worried about his crazy business, but he wasn’t.

One Christmas season he advertised on the radio and he got so many orders that he thought for sure he would strike it rich.  However, his European friends on the other side decided to slack off and they forgot to ship him more Absinthe.

Too bad for Jake.  At least he had a nice woman to stand by his side in times of trouble.  Jake is one of those kinds of people that likes to do things his own way.  He needed a wife, so he went to Lithuania and found one there.  She came with her own kid.  Her daughter was named Anastasia, but in Lithuania, they called her Nastya.  It was a cute name, but Jake spent a lot of time trying to explain to his foreign wife that when Nastya got to school the children would call her “Nasty, Yeah”

Jake bought a condo in Kirkland so he could get in on the real estate market in the Seattle area.  My husband helped him move.  I never did get his address and phone number, so we’ve lost touch.

Bring out your dead

The guys in this picture are digging up a dead body. 

Somehow this is socially acceptable.  And not only is it socially acceptable to dig up dead things, modern day teachers think that it is very important to teach kids everything there is to know about a bunch of stuff that happened a long time ago. 

Preschools are focused on teaching kids these big words like cretaceous and tyrannosaurus and coelophysis.  Why is it so important to learn about dinosaurs?  They are dead. This is a bunch of useless information unless your kid is someday going to grow up and be a paleontologist.  Is there really a need for paleontologists in our society?

I have heard that there is a shortage of physicians.  The reason why there is a shortage of physicians is because medical school is extremely hard to get into and the classes are so insanely difficult that no normal person can pass them.  Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard if teachers would introduce organic chemistry and medical terminology in preschool instead of teaching the kids about rock formations in Afghanistan and the infrastructure of beehive colonies. 

My kids spent a month last year learning about owl droppings and bat caves. It’s okay to observe and study digested mouse skeletons, but it’s not okay to study dead humans.

Okay, so like, a few years ago I was talking to this girl and she told me that her brother wanted to be a doctor, but he couldn’t pass all the classes he needed to be accepted.  There were loads of other people in the class with him, that had no trouble at all passing these classes and they didn’t really have to study as hard as her brother. 

So it got me thinking.  There is massive quantities of information that have to be learned all at once in order to get a college degree that allows you to get a job doing anything that will make you a high income in a job that is actually quite meaningful and beneficial to society.  Why not just learn all the vocabulary when you are a kid and have all the time in the world, and then later on, medical school will be easy.

Dorsal scapular vein. Guess where that is?  Is that a hard word to say.  If a kid talks about a triceradon, it’s cute.  But if they say subclavian vein, or Ileocolic artery, then people think it’s sick and horrible.  Kids should not be taught anatomy. 

When my twins were just a couple months old, my friend Dottie asked if I wanted to go to the Bodies Exhibit.  She offered to watch the twins, but I really didn’t trust her with them.  She freaks me out.  So I decided that we should all

go together.

                  

The people in the exhibit were annoyed that some white trash mother and all of her kids were at the exhibit.  It was a quiet serene place filled with students who would one day be doctors.  I did not feel welcome there with my double stroller.  I especially felt unwelcome when the twins started crying and I had to sit down and nurse them.

Everyone I knew I was scandalized that I would take my young children to see such a morbid exhibit.

I bought several books there, and from time to time, my kids gets these books out.  They look at the pictures and I read them the terminology and describe to them the inner workings of the human body.

If your kid wants to be a meteorologist, it’s perfectly fine if you study the weather together.  If your kid wants to be a geologist, it’s fine teaching him about sedimentary rock and slate.  But don’t get him prepared to be a doctor, unless you are a doctor or in the medical field.  That’s just wrong.

I realize that teaching my children vast quantities of useful information such as this is going to screw them up in the worst way.  I need to teach my kids about the crystal formations of snowflakes by cutting shapes from notebook paper.  I need to teach my kids about ecology and conservation by buying workbooks on the environment.

It is very important to teach my kids about dinosaurs, geology, butterflies.  I need to sit down with my kids and make macaroni art and paper mache’.  I should have listened to them. 

Now look what’s happened.  My son has grown old before his time!  And it’s from letting him read from anatomy books.  The doctors say that it’s irreversible.

Due to the over stimulation in the choroid plexus of the 4th ventricle of the brain, the hypoglossal nerve was overreacted triggering the pituitary gland to stimulate hair follicles into rapid growth. 

The sun is a mass of incandescent gas…

 

 

Steven Hawking said that the universe was created by an accident.

I wish the universe would fix this chair.

Steven Hawking thinks that you shouldn’t mix the science of the universe with real life.  He thinks it’s ridiculous.  Well, I think that stupid bow tie he wears is ridiculous.  It’s a shame that he is so narrow minded.  It’s also a shame that he probably gets out more than I do.

Anyway, I think the universe is a lot like real life. 

The universe was created by the big bang. And people are created by the big bang too…get it?  You know, slam bam thank you ma’am.

  Each person born lives in their own personal universe don’t they?  I guess some  people are accidents and created by an incredibly intense big bang, and some people were planned out and created. 

People are like little solar systems.  If you are powerful and make a lot of money and are very persuasive, then you are a sun and everyone revolves around you. 

If you are delusional and think you are a sun and force everyone to revolve around you , then you are a black hole.

If you just go about life in a go with the flow kind of way, then you are just a planet spinning around and around doing the same old thing year after year.

But if you do your own thing and don’t really fit in with the grand scheme of things then you are just a meager little dwarf planet like Pluto.  Pluto is just not good enough to fit in with everyone else.  But who cares.  Pluto is far more fun than all the other planets. 

Okay, since we’re on the subject of planets, I have a theory about Mars.  A lot of people think that there is no life on Mars, but there is.  They found frozen water on the ice caps.  That is evidence number one. 

I don’t have any more evidence but I firmly believe that there is subterranean human life underground Mars.  The Martian planet is made up of caves much like a stone sponge.  But don’t tell NASA about my theory because the word will get out and they’ll be sending rocket ships up there to mess up their nice little eco system. 

There is a reason why other planetary systems don’t want to have anything to do with us.

The Jamcracker Diet

Are you tired of spending money on those new fangled “fad” diets that claim to work, but don’t?

You’ve tried them all, but finally here’s a diet that is guaranteed to work or your money back.

It’s simple, it’s easy, and it’s all yours for absolutely Free…That’s right.

There’s no crazy schedule.  You don’t have to keep a journal and log down every bit of food that enters your mouth.  It’s so easy, you don’t even have to buy a book and read it seventeen times to understand it.  And best of all, it’s the cheapest diet known to man. 

Here’s how it works.

Just drink one delicious glass of water for breakfast.

And then another nice delicious glass of water for lunch.

There is nothing in the world like “not eating” that will make you lose weight faster.

Here’s the best part.  You can have anything you want for dinner.  Anything at all.

However, you can only eat once per day.  Sit down and eat your evening meal no sooner than 4 o clock.  The closer to bed time you eat, the better.  Going to bed hungry is not so much fun.  I know someone who takes a sleeping pill while he is dieting so he won’t be tempted to eat late at night.  I don’t think I would actually do this, but hey, to each his own.

After you stop eating dinner, don’t eat anything else.

This diet gets your brain in “will power” and “self-control” mode.  Once you start nibbling on something, it’s hard to stop eating.  So just say no to everything all day long and reward yourself every night with a satisfying meal.

You can drink as much as you want during the day as long as you are not consuming calories.  Don’t drink artificial sweeteners.  They have been scientifically proven to give you the munchies. 

I have had people tell me that this diet is not healthy.  I beg to differ.  I met a doctor from India who fasts for three days every few months.  He said this is completely healthy.  It cleanses the body.

After I had twins, I weighted 180 pounds.  If I stayed at that weight, I could have had all sorts of health problems.  Obesity has been linked to cancer, diabetes, arthritis, heart disease, etc. 

It’s just not as easy to be light on your feet and full of energy when you are carrying around extra weight. 

I don’t starve myself all day long on a regular basis.  I just do the diet until I get to the weight I want.  Then I try to eat a balanced diet, and If my pants get too tight, I do the Jamcracker diet until they fit again. 

The first couple of days is kind of rough, but the stomach shrinks and adjusts and you get used to it. 

If I know that I am going to go somewhere for dinner in the evening and I will be tempted to eat way too much, I don’t eat all day long.  When I get to the party, I eat whatever I want.  I look like that skinny girl who can just eat whatever she wants without gaining weight. 

I am five foot 4 and a half inches tall.  My weight range is 115 to 140 pounds. I like to stay at 120.  I’m not anorexic.  I like food.  I don’t think I’m fat.  I don’t over do dieting.  Sometimes I diet and sometimes I don’t. 

I didn’t actually make up this diet.  I stole it from a guy. 

I used to work at the BroadRipple Subway in Indianapolis, Indiana.  I worked with this fat guy there for a while.  He quit, and came back to visit a few months later and he looked “HOT.” 

I asked him how he lost so much weight.  He told me “The Guy Diet.”  I said “The Guy Diet? What’s that?”

He said “You only eat one meal a day.”

The guy asked me for a hug.  Someone told me later that he had a huge crush on me and wanted to go out.  I was with an overweight psychopath at the time who laid on the couch and ate food from Long John Silver’s all day long.  I wish I had left my crazy guy for the hottie.”  Oh well.  I guess I have rambled of subject once again.

Here are some interesting diets that I have heard of:

Tim Ferris Diet:

Available in the book “The Four Hour Body”

It’s basically a slow carb diet.  You eat nothing but beans and meat for six days.  Then on the seventh day, you binge eat and it supposedly helps you loose weight.  My husband tried this diet and lost 2 pounds per week.  It was extremely expensive.  I tried it for three days but quit because it made me feel sick and constipated.

Atkins Diet:

I guess most people have heard of this meat and cheese diet.  You know what happened to Dr. Atkins?  He’s dead.

Paleo Diet:  This one is actually kind of fun.  Basically you don’t eat processed grains like bread, rice, and cereal.  You eat meat, vegetables and fruit.  There is a book for this diet and it makes the diet extremely complicated and frustrating.  I follow a modified version of this sometimes when I seem to be gaining a few pounds.  It seems like I gain weight fast when I am eating from the bread group.

Raw Vegan Diet:  This one was a fun diet.  I did it for a month and lost 8 pounds.  I had a lot of energy and felt light and airy.  I was extremely hungry though.  I got down to 115 pounds and called it quits on that one. 

Watermelon Diet:  I made this diet up.  Buy watermelon with seeds.  Eat tons of ice cold watermelon…seeds and all…for breakfast and lunch.  Then eat a sensible dinner.  Eat watermelon for snacks any time you want.  I lost five pounds doing this one week.

1000 calorie diet:  I had a friend in High School who lost 100 pounds on this diet.  It’s simple, but I tried it once buy only eating a small sandwich for all three meals.  Each sandwich is about 300 calories or so.  It works. 

A diet is only a crash diet if you let it become one.  If you totally blow it one day and binge eat because you are starving….don’t worry, try again the next day.  According to Tim Ferris, one day of binge eating can actually help you loose weight, as long as you only do it once a week.  I don’t binge eat though.  That’s disgusting.  But you can do it if you want to.

You don’t actually have to diet, though.  Plenty of people are overweight and completely happy about it.  But if you are not, I highly recommend the Jamcracker diet.  You don’t have to do it though.  The only thing you have to do is pay taxes and die.

Grasshopper pot pie

This is a picture of me graduating from Harvard.

I didn’t graduate from Harvard.  I was only kidding.  When this picture was taken I don’t think I even knew what Harvard was.  Yes, back then, I was completely bats.  And speaking of bats, bats flew overhead at my graduation.  I could have followed those bats to their bat cave, collected all their droppings and sold it to buy one of those cute Victorian homes on Main Street.    Hind sight is 20/20.

Bat droppings are valuable you know.  They call it guano and its great fertilizer for plants.  I wouldn’t know, I’ve never tried it.  I thought about it though.

You know what else I thought about?

Grasshopper droppings

Just look at all this crap.

I could package it and sell it on the black market.  I could make a fortune on this black gold.  It’s actually more of a dark burnt sienna, really.  They aren’t technically grasshopper droppings, its really locust poo.

I’ve got a bit of a locust infestation in my food forest.  These are demonic locusts from the depths of Hades much like the ones that Moses sent upon Egypt.

Someone suggested that maybe God sent them to me to use as food.  I could maybe put them in stir fry with a little broccoli and snow peas from the garden.  So that’s what we had for dinner last night.

I’m just kidding.  I sautee’d them with a little chili powder and put them in enchiladas.

They tasted a bit like the field mouse samosas we ate last Tuesday.   The original recipe called for armadillo, but I have heard that those things have leprosy.  That is so disgusting.  I didn’t eat the enchiladas.  I got invited to a pot luck at someone’s church and that’s what I brought.  They loved them.

I think next time I’ll pluck the wings off first because those things get stuck between my teeth.  They do give an exotic flavor to the enchiladas though.  They taste sort of like toasted coconut.

Invasion of the Loco Locusts

I filled my backyard with sunflowers because

1. They are pretty and they make me happy

2.  According to theory, the bugs and other pests will leave the garden alone, and only eat the sunflowers.

Maybe this is true.  The sunflower leaves are infested with aphids, and my cucumbers are just fine.  But the sunflowers are covered in these crazy grasshoppers.  Then they ate my apple tree!

Once again, I think that planting sunflowers amongst the garden might be just another wives-tale passed onto the pilgrims from the ancient Indians.  (The feather Indians, not the dot Indians.)

I watched this permaculture video by this guy in Australia named Geoff Lawton.  He said that if you have a grasshopper infestation, then you have a lack of ducks and geese.  In my own little fantasy land, I have a full functioning permaculture food forest.

In reality, I’ve got a backyard full of weeds and mis shapen fruit that tastes kinda bad.  I guess I could dig a pond and get some geese, but my kids will drown in the pond, the geese will fly away, and the neighbors will call the code enforcers on me.

My husband, Clyde, told me that if I want to get rid of the grasshoppers, then I need to get rid of the sunflowers.  The sunflowers are looking kind of scraggly looking, and I guess it’s time to get rid of them.  They shade out the rest of the plants, and hog all the nutrients from the soil.  I guess I planted them too close to my other plants.

So one night, I started pulling up the sunflowers, and those evil grasshoppers started swarming and landing all over me.  I had a bad experience with grasshoppers lately.  The last time I declared war on the grasshoppers and started killing them, one of the twins, Nick Kick, had a terrible accident with a shovel.

But of course, that’s ridiculous.  Those grasshoppers don’t really have supernatural powers.  That’s impossible.  That’s just silly.  But still, I wonder.  It seems like ever since that week that I went around smashing grasshoppers, those little buggers keep flying into me and landing on me.  It’s almost as if they are trying to intimidate me.

Just look at them!  They’re everywhere.

They’re evil and they’re just waiting for the perfect moment to attack me.  So when I started pulling up the sunflowers, I started thinking of that old movie by Alfred Hitchcock called “The Birds”  I guess being attacked by a flock of birds doesn’t seem as scary as Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street, but when you’re being attacked by dozens of little varmints, it’s a whole nother story.

Those grasshoppers landed all over me.  It was freaky.  I just knew they were after me.  I’m bigger and stronger.  So I started pulling them off and squishing them so I could run back inside where it’s nice and safe.  Boy was I wrong.  Those things are telekinetic.  As soon as I got inside, the other twin, Porkchop Flannigan, did a summer sault off the back of the sofa and landed flat on his face.  He got a bloody lip and busted a tooth out.  He looked like Mohamed Ali after a boxing match.  He spit out a tooth and a mouthful of blood.

It makes me wonder though, is it the grasshoppers doing this, or is it my own telekinetic powers gone crazy due to fear.

Silly pants and Spanish Soldiers

The best thing about being rich and important is the fact that you can make people dress up in ridiculous clothing.  Just look at these guys in Spain.  They’re saying “Look at me in my silly pants.  Don’t I look stupid?”

 

I actually kind of like those pants.  But I bet you those guys have friends at home that laugh at them and make fun of them.  Unless they’re rich.  When you’re rich, you can wear anything you like and get away with it.  The camera men will take your picture and call it fashion no matter how stupid you look, because you’re rich and famous.

 

Look at this rich and famous guy.  He’s getting paid to look silly

You can only get away with an outfit like this if you are in an elite social class.  When I was 16, I did not know this. 

I had a fashion sense of my own, and I just don’t think the people of Denison,  TX  were ready for high fashion such as mine. 

This one time, My sister Clementine was going to Deep Ellum with her boyfriend, Mikey.  Since I was paying for the gasoline, they were going to let me tag along. 

Before it was taken over by Yuppies and totally ruined, Deep Ellum was this artsy Punk Rock Downtown area of Dallas.  They had cool shops, and these outside vendors that sold the coolest jewelry in the world.  We weren’t actually old enough to get into the clubs, but it was still loads of fun. 

If you went there, though, you had to look as punk rock as possible so that you wouldn’t be considered a trendy. 

Trendy: A yuppie prep conservative who is just wearing new waver clothing to follow a fashion trend.

Clementine wore her ripped fishnet panty hose with some thuggish looking outfit.  Mikey wore a mohawk, a Fugazi T-Shirt, shorts, and bright yellow Doc Martens boots that went halfway up his shins. 

Somehow, they were cool and I was not.  What I wore that day, went down into their hysterical deed recollection bin and the “Clotilda Fashion Story” was told over and over again at parties and other social events.  They did not think it was a punk rock outfit, they just thought it was absolutely hysterical. 

I wore a 1950s bathing suit that I got out of my grandmother’s closet.  She wore it one time, was scared to death of the water, fish and snakes, and never went swimming again. 

The bathing suit looked like this one:

 

It was made from thick black rayon.  I wore it with black and white striped tights, like the wicked witch of the west

 

and a pearl necklace that went down to my knees and a pair of mary janes. 

I thought I looked punk rock.  If I had been Paris Hilton instead of Clotilda Spampacker back then I might have just got my picture put in Vogue magazine.  Instead, I was the laughing stock of Denison, TX.  They almost didn’t take me to Deep Ellum in that outfit.  They let me tag along, but they made fun of me all night long.  Then they told everyone all about my silly outfit, like it was some sort of a joke. 

It’s just not fair.  Look at these ladies, they are just walking around town in their 1950s bathing suits.  Nobody’s laughing at them.  They even got their picture in the Wall Street Journal.

They can get away with it too because they’re rich.

I wonder if they really are rich, or if they just look rich because of their silly clothes. 

 

Six Degrees of Farenhiet

If I could go back in time and change the stupid things that I have done, I wonder if my old self would listen to my wise self and make the right decision.  I doubt it.  I can be pretty dense sometimes.

Like the time I bought this fig tree.

I paid eighty nine dollars plus shipping and handling for this freaking tree and it’s lucky to be alive.

You see, a couple of years ago I saw this video on You Tube

Living in a food forest had always been a fantasy of mine, and up until I had seen this video, I didn’t think it could be done.  There are several food forests in this world, and I decided that I wanted one right away.

All autumn long, I picked up bags of leaves and filled up my backyard so I could improve the soil.

Then I ordered about 7 or eight instant orchard fruit trees from Willis Orchards.  I had this bad feeling when I did it.  Maybe the spirit of my future self was traveling back in time and trying to tell me not to do it.  But I didn’t listen.

Now I have planted things before, and I know very well that you are supposed to plant trees in the fall.  I have had better luck with planting trees in the springtime, though, so I told the people at Willis Orchard to send my new fruit trees in April.

But the people at Willis Orchard told me that it was very important for me to plant my trees in the dead of winter while they were dormant.  Right after I got off the phone with them I got this really really bad feeling.  Images of a snowy white blizzard popped into my head and wouldn’t go away.  My thoughts were filled with doom and gloom and huge heaving cold winds and winter storm clouds.

Either I am psychic, or I have very strong telekinetic powers that enable me to control the weather because at the end of February, 2 years ago, North Texas experienced the coldest winter in the history of time.  That winter storm  broke the record that was made in 1928.

Right after the first tree was planted in the ground, it started snowing  and the temperature started dropping.

I called the Orchard, they told me to plant my trees anyway, it wouldn’t bother them.  So I did, but the temperature kept dropping.  After all my trees had been planted, it dropped down to six degrees Fahrenheit. It stayed that cold for an entire week.

In Texas, where I live, it’s usually pretty nice in the winter.  I remember loads of 80 degree Christmases.  It usually gets pretty cold in late February and March, but only at night.  It’s usually pretty warm during the day, so this weather was bazaar and nobody has ever seen it colder than the year I planted those trees.

I did everything I could think of to save those expensive instant orchard trees.  I covered them with three feet of oak leaves so the cold snow and air wouldn’t penetrate the root system.  I wrapped them with thick blankets and plastic tarps.  I worried about my trees night and day and I thought that maybe I should have just left them in the house.  Could Shoulda Woulda.

Only three of the trees actually made it.  I lost my receipts so I couldn’t get a refund. Right after most of my trees died, the weather warmed right up.  The snow melted, and spring came.  The birds were chirping and the flowers were starting to emerge from their winter slumber.  It seemed as if that whole winter storm came just to kill my trees.

Oh, and to make it worse, this friend of mine bought a peach tree at big lots for six bucks that year and now it’s loaded with peaches. She keeps raving about what a great deal she got.  I guess she wants to rub it in my face and make me feel stupid because I spent so much money on those instant orchard trees.

I feel stupid anyway.  I was hoping that my summer would be filled with wonderful juicy figs and I would save so much money on groceries.  I always do everything the hard way.  Every time I get a brilliant idea, I fail miserably at it.  I swear, sometimes, I think the forces of nature are against me.

(The art from the second two pictures are from The Giving Tree Parody.)

www.clotildajamcracker.com

Oopsie. I made a mistake. Sorry about that.

 

I would never make mistakes If I had nothing to do.  But since I have so many thing to do at any given moment of the day, I guess that makes me a total screw up.  But hey, at least I’m having a good time. 

 

For a good time call 1-800-Jamcracker….Just two dollah, me love you long time.

Just kidding. 

Pain Doesn’t Really Hurt

There is  a modern day group of women who, in order to prove their womanhood, have gotten together and decided to give birth to their young with absolutely no pain killer.

Going through such excruciating pain is supposed be an uplifting wonderful experience.  So why don’t more people opt out for the Novocaine and laughing gas when they get their teeth pulled?

More and more women are having their babies at home these days to have a bonding experience free from the hustle and bustle of those horrid hospitals.  They really do it to save money.  So why not pull your teeth out at home?  I did.  It was such a wonderful bonding experience, that I decided to keep them and wear them on a necklace.  My sister did.  That’s where I got the idea.

For some reason, people freak out when I show them my wisdom teeth.  I only had 2, though.  That’s nothing.  My husband has eight of them and they are still in his mouth.  I asked him if I could have them when he’s done with  them.  He gave me this horrified look.  What?  I don’t get it.

Okay, I’m totally kidding about the teeth thing.  I had pain killer  when I had those teeth pulled.  But I did give birth to twins with no pain killer.  I was supposed to have a C-Section because one of them was breech.  However,  my kid’s butt was halfway out of the birth canal by the time I got to the hospital. I didn’t get an epidural.  I didn’t even get a freaking Tylenol.

Why is childbirth supposed to be this wonderful and beautiful thing?  It feels like your arms and legs are tight to different freight trains that are running down the track at full speed in opposite directions.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

No pain no gain.

If you want to be muscular and have those six pack abs that drive girls wild you have to lift weights until the point of utter exhaustion, your muscles hurt for days.

If you want to hot and sexy, you gotta go with out eating long enough to get to the desired weight.  You have to be able to endure the stomach pains for a while.

If you want to be a doctor, you have to endure the pain in the brain that you get when you try to comprehend organic chemistry.

But childbirth?  Why is is so important to go through all that pain for nothing?  I didn’t even get a trophy for that, or a medal of endurance.