This is a picture of me graduating from Harvard.
I didn’t graduate from Harvard. I was only kidding. When this picture was taken I don’t think I even knew what Harvard was. Yes, back then, I was completely bats. And speaking of bats, bats flew overhead at my graduation. I could have followed those bats to their bat cave, collected all their droppings and sold it to buy one of those cute Victorian homes on Main Street. Hind sight is 20/20.
Bat droppings are valuable you know. They call it guano and its great fertilizer for plants. I wouldn’t know, I’ve never tried it. I thought about it though.
You know what else I thought about?
Grasshopper droppings
Just look at all this crap.
I could package it and sell it on the black market. I could make a fortune on this black gold. It’s actually more of a dark burnt sienna, really. They aren’t technically grasshopper droppings, its really locust poo.
I’ve got a bit of a locust infestation in my food forest. These are demonic locusts from the depths of Hades much like the ones that Moses sent upon Egypt.
Someone suggested that maybe God sent them to me to use as food. I could maybe put them in stir fry with a little broccoli and snow peas from the garden. So that’s what we had for dinner last night.
I’m just kidding. I sautee’d them with a little chili powder and put them in enchiladas.
They tasted a bit like the field mouse samosas we ate last Tuesday. The original recipe called for armadillo, but I have heard that those things have leprosy. That is so disgusting. I didn’t eat the enchiladas. I got invited to a pot luck at someone’s church and that’s what I brought. They loved them.
I think next time I’ll pluck the wings off first because those things get stuck between my teeth. They do give an exotic flavor to the enchiladas though. They taste sort of like toasted coconut.
Eeeew gross, my kids would love this. I love the shiny elephants in the background.
I didn’t really eat mice or grasshoppers and I never go to pot lucks. It was a joke.
In my ancestral land, Cambodia, they love grassroots. They season stir-fry, and eat them. I would never do it though. I have trouble eating shrimp with the head on much less a grasshopper.
I bet Cambodian grass tastes better than texas crabgrass.
I am glad you don’t
Hahahaha! Great post =)
Thanks. I’m glad I made you laugh.
Ummm……
Reading this was a bit like riding one of those rollercoasters with loops and barrelrolls.
And left me with the same queasiness in the stomach.
Fun! Let’s do it again!
I was wondering, would you like to come over to my house for dinner tonight? The neighbor’s dog was driving me crazy and I am having a barbecue.
That happened to my second wife’s dog. Poor Brownie — he wasn’t a rare breed, and he wasn’t well, but everybody loved him.
Terribly sorry, but I must ask for a raincheck.
It isn’t that I am afraid of field mouse souffle.. or rattlesnake tacos..
But where there be demon-possessed grasshoppers? I will detour around.
I thank you kindly all the same!
guano is a great fertilizer… i always use it for my tomatoes. you need just a pinch and get wonderful results, you should try it!
Guano is something that I have never tried. I think I will try it when I run out of the stuff I have I wonder if the smell of it gets rid of grasshoppers.
you might be lucky
I guess I would be lucky if you count strange luck as luck.
it still counts, there’s worse than that
Guano is expensive, at least in commercial quantities.
If you had a bat colony they could EAT the locusts and turn them into great fertilizer!
If you had a bat colony they could EAT the locusts and turn them into great fertilizer!
Okay. Well. Easier said than done. How to you get a bat colony? I went to Petsmart and asked if they sold bats, and they thought that I was bats.
You obviously need to learn the ancient and secret art of bat charming
Whenever I go to a church pot luck, I wonder which casserole was made by the woman with all the longhair cats that are always up on her kitchen counter. After reading “Grasshopper Pot Pie,” I don’t think I’ll eat any of them — but especially not the enchiladas!
Great story, as always.
What? I can’t believe you wouldn’t eat my grasshopper enchiladas. Don’t knock it til you try it.
Ur too awesome!!
I know you are but what am I.
Ur MORE awesome!!!!
Ur MORE than too awesome!!
Stop! You’re making me hungry.
You are in luck. My new book “Cooking with garden pests” will soon be available in stores everywhere.
I just pre-ordered.
Yo’re in fine form today, eh? Cracked me up. Great stuff!
Sorry — the legs get stuck in my teeth.
Girl, I am not going anywhere near your church LOL I have to be sure that I am not drinking anything when I read your post. Key boards are expensive!
Pretty funny stuff, your writing! I just wanted to tell you that and thank you for consistently ‘liking’ my posts. I’m always little suspicious that I’m just part of a mass ‘liking’ and that people aren’t even really reading them (that sounds paranoid, doesn’t it?). Anyway, I notice that you are a return reader and it is very much appreciated. So when your book, Cooking with Garden Pests, is ready for purchase, I’d like an autographed copy.
I was just kidding. I don’t have a book called cooking with garden pests.
I know, but you SHOULD!
We never get to have field mouse samosas anymore; since our cats ran away to live with the neighbors, they no longer leave offerings for us at the back door.
Enchiladas are all in the sauce.
I am looking forward to the next (co)urse – I love frogs legs…
I needed a good laugh and your post did it for me!
but as for the bats….not sure they eat grasshoppers….now mosquitoes yeah…….you could always try putting up bat houses around your garden and see what happens…maybe you’ll get new neighbors…..LOL….
Do grasshoppers eat mosquitoes?
No. Grasshoppers are vegans. Oddly, I ate a grasshopper raw once. They taste like…. grass!
This one time, this vegan flipped me off and I chopped off his finger and ate it on a hot dog bun…
Great big finger, eh?
I wish! but no….grasshoppers eat your crops….sorry
If that was the main course… just wondering what desert was! lol
Love it!
we had chilled monkey brains for dessert.
Oooo YUM!
finally someone who appreciates my cuisine
What a hoot. Do you plan to write children’s books?
Thank you. I have written two, they are on amazon. I am also writing a remake of the grimm’s fairy tale king thrushbeard. Except I am calling it King Cookiehead.
I love King Thrushbeard! I’m gonna wait for that now!
cool story by the way.:D In the Philippines, we eat grasshoppers raw…with vinegar. 
I love King Thrushbeard! I’m gonna wait for that now!
cool story by the way.:D In the Philippines, we eat grasshoppers raw…with vinegar. 
I read loads of those stories in the Grimm’s fairy tales book and there are great stories that I have never heard of before, but King Thrushbeard was my favorite. I am really excited about this one.
Use the poo for fertilizer and mulch the buggers:) After the snake taco’s, I think I’d be asking what’s for dinner at your house!
Oh do you want to come over for dinner tonight for some barbecue dog paws? I asked someone else, but he declined.
Lord, you make me laugh. At my age, laughter is good. You really ought to consider that book, “Cooking with Garden Pests”. What a clever title for your funny stories. Work on that. You shouldn’t have the luxury of just tossing out a few of your funnies on WP. You’re wasting your talent, child! BTW, I have two beautiful sand-colored sewer rats hanging out in the big bromeliad in my pergola. Catch them and they are yours. For free.
I agree with George! I can always count on your site to give me a much needed laugh (one can never have too much laughter in their life and I’m getting up their in age too!). I went on Amazon and put your stuff in my wish list. After our move (and we have some cash again). …I’m getting them. I have a friend from high school that has a children’s book out. You are such an inspiration. You’ve got me thinking about pulling out my children’s stories and working on them.
I’ll be right over with my cooking pot for those rats. Do they taste anything like the Louisiana sewer rat referred to as nutria. Thanks for the compliment, by the way.
Lord, I dunno. I forgot about the nutria. I think folks from backwater Louisiana call that a staple. I’m sure mine are younger, smaller, more tender and succulent, however.
Get on with the book.
Lol. Great. I’ll send you the first copy as soon as it’s out, George.
http://nutria.com/site14.php
Vulgarity coming. If you are under 18yo, piss off. Here’s the burning question of the day: How come we don’t ever say we are going to take a “guano” instead of take a “shit”?
And why do we say we are taking when, in fact, we are leaving? Except for those exceptional people who ARE taking for reasons I don’t wish to be made aware of. Okay. Kids can come back now. Let me know.
In what country do they say I’m taking when you mean you are leaving?
In all civilized countries the proper expression is “I’m taking a s***.” Save for Bethesda, Maryland for as yet unknown reasons. And Sri Lanka where they don’t go potty at all as far as seasoned anthropologists can determine.
In all civilized countries the proper expression is “I’m taking a s***.” Save for Bethesda, Maryland for as yet unknown reasons. And Sri Lanka where they don’t go potty at all as far as seasoned anthropologists can determine.
Oh, I thought you were calling saying goodbye was called taking…I seriously need to pay more attention while I am reading. You see, I kept thinking about the time that I went canoeing down the Nile River with King Tut and we were attacked by toothless Octopi that tried to suck our brains out.
Oh yes, the dreaded, toothless Nile River Octopi. I have known and feared them for millenia. As for Tut, I knew his was a man-whore! He did the same thing with my first cousin! And he was still married to what’s-their-names at the time! By the by, did they manage to suck out your brains? They got my cousin’s!
I went fishing this morning. Want to come over for lunch? I am serving deep fried octopus with grasshopper gravy.
clotilda, I just got through informing Renard that you were intrigued by the idea of being spanked and you just confirmed it! If fried octopus isn’t a form of punishment, what is? Now grasshopper gravy, hmmmm, that’s an idea worth pursuing. I am allergic to Texas though. Sorry but thx for the invite.
P&L,
SIN
Excuse me? How is it possible to be Allergic to Texas?
I love your blog and the way your mind works.
Thanks Cassie. I’ll sell a piece of my brain to you for $19.99. Buy now! Time is running out. Unless you have a time machine.
“I’m just kidding. I sautee’d them with a little chili powder and put them in enchiladas.”
I spewed every bit of coffee in my mouth all over my monitor when I hit that line. It’s taken me 35 minutes just to get enough off so I could see to finish reading. Thanks! (I’m not being sarcastic either!)
Are you the mother who fed insects and worms to her kids for a year without their knowledge? I think it was for a research project or a thesis.
Hahahahah hilarious! Love your writing style and crazy imagination!
I think we need some pictures of you eating them, just to visualize this better. Illustrations are fine
LOL, everything poops! Did you burn ‘em just a bit? A bit crunchy ’round the edges… heh
I’m really enjoying to read you… so thanks a lot for finding me first!
Really enjoyed reading your post & the comments too!!
I can’t decide if you’re fantastically brilliant or just insane. This naturally means I like you.
Wonderful post!
Oh! And if you’re terribly interested in eating bugs, you should think about beekeeping. Apparently deep-fried drones is all the rage in Japan. Then you could have honey, pollinators, and deep-fried bugs for your home and garden, virtually free!
Ha ha. Good one. I was just thinking that if you took it to potluck if you told the other people what the secret ingredient was or just let them eat it unassuming.
We’re always looking for recommendations to try with our dinner group. Thanks.
oh bloody hell that gave me the giggles. old ladies eating grasshopper enchiladas. almost makes me want to try ity the gag not the grasshopper.
So entertaining and sharing it! Like the lady above said. The comments are great too. Wonderfully wonderful.
Great post again (and again)! Now I won ‘t need to write about the insect meals we’ve tried…Thanks also for stopping by again today, that tiny piece got finalized after I read one of your posts late last night. Got inspired!
Clotilda, can you make me some freeze dried locust gumbo for backpacking? I can’t imagine it would weigh much at all. Most of that stuff you get is so dubious anyway you might have a much better product to offer! And did you get a used copy of Cryptonomicon yet?
Thanks for the appreciations. By the way, this site is mad cool, what with all the “Bizarre Foods” featured.
For some reason I really appreciate that you took them to a pot-luck… I will see if my wife can come up with the recipe for her cat-box cake… always a hit.
You are the second person in less than a month to extol the virtues of bat guano. There’s you, and there’s the guy who drove the tour bus at the Grand Canyon. He also said it’s used in women’s lipstick. I find that intriguing.
OMG!!! This had me LOLOLOL!
I hear there is a very old recipe that calls for locusts and wild honey….
I hear there is a very old recipe that calls for locusts and wild honey….
This old Ukranian lady told me that the name Locust was mistranslated into the English language. She told me that Locust was actually the name of a nut. So John the Baptist was eating nuts and honey. Like cheerios, but without the processed carbohydrates.
If you read the Old Testament, you’ll see that locusts are one of the two insects that are kosher (acceptable for eating); so John the Baptist probably did eat bugs.
I have no idea what the “locust” would mean in Ukrainian.
interesting… wonder if they ate Ezekiel bread?
interesting… wonder if they ate Ezekiel bread?
I wonder if locust pate’ and wild honey taste good on Ezekiel bread?
or, since locusts are green, can I substitute them for broccoli?
Yum.
Billy the Exterminator claims that guano is a key ingredient in mascara. I’m not sure which brand he uses.
Billy the Exterminator claims that guano is a key ingredient in mascara. I’m not sure which brand he uses.
Does that mean that I can fertilize my tomatoes with mascara when I run out of miracle grow?
Yes. That is what it means. The world is a wondrous place.
This is good to know! Usually our locusts come in late August. I will be sure to have my nets out so I can try your recipes.
This is good to know! Usually our locusts come in late August. I will be sure to have my nets out so I can try your recipe.
The hardest part of cooking with grasshoppers has got to be their hard outer shell. Pressure cooking makes them a bit tender, but it’s better to pull the meat out before adding it to the recipe. This can be time consuming.
I bet those locust are a delicacy in many places. I remember the first time I ate escargot, it was good!
I bet those locust are a delicacy in many places. I remember the first time I ate escargot, it was good!
I have mostly slugs in my garden. They don’t have shells. I have been thinking about making a shelless tator tot casserole and using the slugs as garnish.
yuuuucccckkkkk!
With enough butter and garlic, old inner tubes would taste good (and have a similar texture).
Speaking of old inner tube tires, my husband went duck hunting last year and kept bringing home dead ducks for me to cook and eat. I think they tasted a bit like old inner tube tires.
Wild game can be tough, if not properly handled. The trick with duck is knowing how much fat to leave on when you cook it. I hope your husband at least warned you to remove the birdshot. You don’t want to bite into one of those suckers.
Imagining an armadillo with leprosy is pretty gross. I’m glad you’ve taken me there.
Imagining an armadillo with leprosy is pretty gross. I’m glad you’ve taken me there.
This one time, I worked in a restaurant and I had to wait on this guy who was covered in strange bumps and he was missing several fingers. I sear that guy had leprosy. He didn’t tip me, so I guess I he knew I was creeped out. In america, when someone doesn’t leave a tip, it’s called getting stiffed. But I wonder what the Brits would think if I said the guy stiffed me. I hear stuffed is a derogatory British term.
People usually look at me in a new light after these jokes…but hey…: Why did the leper fail his driving test?
“People usually look at me in a new light after these jokes…but hey…: Why did the leper fail his driving test?”
Okay, I give up. Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on the gas
I ate cow heart and tongue once. It was okay. When I told my sister what we had eaten, she threw up – on me. Gotta be more careful!
Sissy — my favorite sandwich is a tongue and chopped liver combo. I’ve never had beef heart, but I’ve unintentionally eaten chicken heart. Chicken livers are expensive, so some unscrupulous meat packers throw hearts in.
Hmm, she wouldn’t throw up now; I may tell her.
Hmm, she wouldn’t throw up now; I may tell her.
Did you know that there is a prescription medicine that you can get from your doctor to keep you from throwing up?
Did you also know that there is an over the counter medication that will make you throw up. And speaking of barfing…
Let’s go just one more step. Months ago, when I thought I had taken my medication incorrectly, I called the Pharmacist to ask what to do. She told me to take syrup of Ipecac to make me throw up. I did then asked Sis to take me to the ER. I didn’t die and…I didn’t throw up. I just had bad dry heaves all the way there. Dr. told me later that I should not take the syrup for something like that as it can take up to 20 minutes (never with me) and, by that time, whatever you took would, most likely, already be in your system.
In the Ramona books by Beverly Cleary, Ramona eats tongue. I don’t think I could get my family to eat that. I think they would rather starve. I guess we’re just picky.
I didn’t know you could still get ipecac over the counter. They’re afraid bulimics would abuse it.
As for tongue, a lot has to do with the presentation. A friend of mine remembers vividly the one and only time his mother prepared tongue. Apparently she just boiled it and plopped it on a platter.
You can serve pickled tongue, smoked tongue, sweet and sour tongue; but it’s best to slice it in the kitchen if your diners are easily put off.
How did we get here from locusts? My wife bought two boxes of salted grasshoppers, and I just couldn’t deal with the legs getting stuck in my teeth. We wound up throwing them away.
Too bad I couldn’t trade them for some tongue. :<)
On the serious side, if anyone is interested there is a book titled “Good to Eat” by Marvin Harris. It’s a survey of the things different cultures consider edible, and why. It’s an easy read.
I saw that show with this guy named Anthony who traveled the world looking for new flavors. People in South America eat a fungus that grows on corn and some people there eat these big fat caterpillars. Ew.
I know the show you mean.
I’m a pretty adventurous eater, in general, but there are some things that put me off. I remember the first time I ate squid faces. I was sitting in the restaurant’s bar (long story), and I ordered spaghetti with calamari. No problem, until I saw the faces. At first I arranged them like a border around the plate; but after I got sufficiently tanked I ate them and I’ve never looked back.
With adequate fortification I think I could try the fungus; but there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to get me to eat caterpillars, grubs, or (worst of all) slugs.
interesting post!!! variety is the spice of life (and food) after all !!!
I am really enjoying your sense of humor.
That was great! I have tears coming out of my eyes
Dear clotilda,
You made my day!!!! your blogs are great and funny in a nice way!!!!
Luv,
Tazein
I am sitting by the computer alone like a complete saddo with my dinner (kids are away at their dads, man is away working), and now I can’t eat the white rice on my plate because it looks like maggots. actually my stomach hurts so much from laughing i don’t think i can finish them anyway! thankyou thankyou most heartily. (how do you find time to blog with so many kids [re.post above about dottie])?? do you incidentally live in a shoe?
Ha! Sometimes I do feel like the little old lady who lives in a zoo. My teenager set up a workstation for me in the living room. I draw at night with my daughter. My teenage son does cleans the house in exchange for video games and I juggle blogs and kids. The little ones will be in school next month and this will be easier. I love your food forest. This is my dream. Have you heard of Geoff Lawton? Do you have tours of your place? I want an aquafarm with my food forest. Can you make it rain? I can.
I am so glad that was a joke. I seriously wondered for a bit.
I am so glad that was a joke. I seriously wondered for a bit.
What makes you so sure that I was joking. Maybe I really do eat grasshoppers.
I have it on good authority that grasshoppers aren’t so bad, but the legs kind of tickle going down your throat.
Got me! You cracked me up and I checked you out because you checked me out first… thank you so much. I am brand new to this and you have a great story telling gift. I’ll be back!
If you follow my blog you will not be bats, but informed..
sure thing hope ya follow it
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