There’s a whole lot of people that enter the Olympic games every year. Only a handful of them win. What happens to all the losers who go to the Olympics? They don’t get gold medals. They don’t even get their picture on the box of Wheaties, the breakfast of Champions.
Why doesn’t the Hostess cupcake company put the photo of the Olympics losers on their box after the Olympics are over. It could say “Eat Ho hos, the snack cake for losers.” Because hey, we can’t all be champions.
I wonder if there’s a point during the Olympics where a contestant realizes that there is no hope for winning. They can’t just quit when they realize they’re doomed. If I were at the Olympics and I realized that I wouldn’t even be getting a medal made from chocolate, I think I might just make a spectacle of myself. I mean, if you are going to be a loser, why not just be a famous loser?
If I was running the hurdle race and I knew I wasn’t going to win, I would deliberately knock down all the hurdles.
Or if I was definitely going to loose the swim race, I would just stop and play dead. All the cameras would be on meas I floated lifeless on the surface of the water.
Why not just take off all my clothes and do the swim race in the buff, now that would make me famous. I heard that the original guys in the Olympics all competed naked. It would be like making a symbolic statement.
Speaking of swimming in the Olympics naked, there is a legend in Japan about a naked swimmer. According to this story, a guy was swimming in a competition when his Speedos came loose. The guy was so focused on winning the race that he didn’t even notice.
The guy won the race, and then jumped out of the pool and jumped up and down with sheer and utter excitement. I believe that this incident made him so famous that he was all over the news in Japan.
I know about this story because while I was in Seattle, I met a guy named Jake who told me all about it. The same exact thing happened to him. He wasn’t a competitive swimmer, he just played on on TV.
Jake was a bit of a screw up in school, even though he had yuppie parents who lived in a posh house in Bellevue. He didn’t want to go to college, so he went to Japan. He got a job working as an actor while he was over there. They have a need for Americans to play actors over there to play the part of the “white guy” in their TV shows. Jake didn’t speak Japanese, they just dubbed his voice.
There is this TV show in Japan that everybody loves to watch. The show about real crazy stories that happened to people. This one time, Jake was asked to play the part of the swimmer who lost his trunks during the swim race. They told him the story about what happened and gave him instructions on what to do. Unfortunately, the exact instructions must have got lost in translation, because they didn’t actually want him to kick off his Speedo and jump for joy in the buff. They weren’t going to film that part. They just wanted him to act like he was. So when he turned up naked by the end of the show, everyone was a bit embarrassed. I’m pretty sure that this happened, because Jake had the video of all the tv shows that he was in and he showed me all of them.
I can definitely feel his embarrassment. Someone told me that when you go to have a massage, you have to take off all of your clothes. Well, I was offered a free massage at a massage school when I was pregnant. They told me to take off all my clothes and cover myself with a sheet. So I did. Nobody told me to leave my underwear on. They could have told me that right off the bat instead of acting all weird-ed out and strange. That was humiliating.
The worst thing about being pregnant is that you can’t drown your problems away with a nice bottle of rum.
I had to wait a while for that one.
After the twins were born, Jake came over to our house for a dinner party. He brought a bottle of Absinthe and showed us the way to properly serve it the European way.
Absinthe is a bit of a novelty here in the United States. Especially since it’s illegal to sell it here. Jake had a bottle of it, because he had figured out a loophole in the law that enabled him to sell it on the internet. He found some friends in Prague that would buy it and ship it to him. He would take orders from people and then ship it to his customers. We were worried about his crazy business, but he wasn’t.
One Christmas season he advertised on the radio and he got so many orders that he thought for sure he would strike it rich. However, his European friends on the other side decided to slack off and they forgot to ship him more Absinthe.
Too bad for Jake. At least he had a nice woman to stand by his side in times of trouble. Jake is one of those kinds of people that likes to do things his own way. He needed a wife, so he went to Lithuania and found one there. She came with her own kid. Her daughter was named Anastasia, but in Lithuania, they called her Nastya. It was a cute name, but Jake spent a lot of time trying to explain to his foreign wife that when Nastya got to school the children would call her “Nasty, Yeah”
Jake bought a condo in Kirkland so he could get in on the real estate market in the Seattle area. My husband helped him move. I never did get his address and phone number, so we’ve lost touch.
The only thing I don’t understand is the Greece part — the Olympics aren’t being held in Greece this year.
Yeah it’s definitely over here…. We have skanky white and gold outfits to tell you all so… and I work for the NHS so I have a trampoline bed to also show such Olympianism (new word…fact)
The Olympics are being held in London this year.
“The Olympics are being held in London this year.”
Dang it! Now they tell me. Why am I always the last one to know.
Please tell me that you live in Greece.
errrm, how much you paying?
maybe she is talking about old days of ancient Greece
Excellent post.
If people had to go back to performing athletics in the buff ancient greece style, my guess is that there would be more viewers in person and on TV.
I think it would be funny if the guys running a race in the Olympics would deliberately crash into the hurdles. Oh. I meant to add that one to my post.
That would be funny. At least for a good blooper film. Olympics comedy gold.
I was reading this at work and trying not o laugh histerically loud. My favorite part is abou the ho ho box. That is classic.
If someone suspects that you are laughing, then put some visene drops in your eyes and pretend that you are crying. Then maybe someone will feel sorry for you are buy you lunch.
That sounds like an excellent idea.
Thank-you for this tip – to substitute appearance of crying for hysteria. Er, sorry to butt into this conversation.
In the immortal words of that 1993 classic ‘Cool Runnings’: “A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.”
I kind of think that just getting to the olympics would be pretty bloody amazing, and should be something to be so proud of that generations of kiddlywinks will be saying “My Great…..Grandad/Mother was at the 2012 Olympics.” Sod the medals…… (I feel this espcecially as old ladies overtake me when I am swimming…. However I have the stamina… they just stop and look ever so smug and wrinkly at me every length… )..
I think those old ladies just do that to everyone. Nobody is ever good enough for those old biddies.
But you would have thought the wrinkles would make some sort of water resistance….? It’s a PhD in the making
I just have not figured out your thinking…you bring up subjects that are everyday and then provide comments that are off the wall and controversial…so entertaining. Keep up the good work!
Dear Clotilda, ur great!!!
tazein
Dear Tasmanian Salad,
I love your scarf. Did you knit that yourself out of flokati wool to wear at the Greek Olympics?
Clotilda
You think a lot like I would lecture to my students. They learned to follow me and shift tracks when I did, which was often. I like it. Excellent post.
Scott
Lectures are a lot more interesting if you can use something else to compare it to. Analogies are a lot of fun, and they keep you from falling asleep. I think things stick better in the brain if you can make a parallel with something that’s already in someone’s brain.
I always enjoy your posts!
Thanks for the compliment. Have a blessed good day!
love following your thought train
oh poor Jake
I think that if I ever decide to follow in the footsteps of Dange Taggart and start my own transcontinental railroad, I think I’ll call my train the thought train. Especially because my thought train will always be imaginary.
Exactly what I was thinking about this morning after my third cup of coffee. Except I think I knew Anastasia, she is an australian living in lithuania at one time,but I met her when she lived here. She picked up a dirty habit–ever hear the song by Tool called H. ? Well she overdosed. Big time, put her in the big leagues of H. addiction. In ICU for weeks. Friend of her’s brought her H. when she woke up and realized she still lived. But that “gift” was interupted. Anastasia fried her circuit board. Her mom flew over from australia to gather the remanats of her beautiful daughter (who lived in London at a younger age as a model)because Anna didn’t have her green card. Poor Anna also suffered from bulemia. I walked in on her. I saw the torture animated in her eyes that pleaded with me not to betray her secret. I assured her that her secret must be told by her. She learned how to walk again. She cleaned up. She fell in love with life again. Last I knew she started to travel. Lithuania–Anastasia and Jake, sounds like a good couple.
That is quite a shocking story about a six year old Lituanian girl named Anastasia. Yes indeed, these are troubled times we live in.
“I’m going off the rails on a crazy train!” — Ozzy Osbourne
— YUR
What does -YUR mean? And does Ozzy Osborne really eat bats?
Your Uncle Rave. Urban legend! But, I do eat Cheeze-its. I bet Ozzy does too.
But he really did bite the head off of a dove once in a corporate meeting… and he got arrested for peeing on the Alamo wearing a black cocktail dress.
Good post with some nice crazy ideas but the Olympics are in London not Greece – so shall we just say it’s in Europe?
“Good post with some nice crazy ideas but the Olympics are in London not Greece – so shall we just say it’s in Europe?”
It’s all Greek to me. Actually, I only pay attention about half the time. The last time I was really paying attention to the news they were trying to get the Olympics in Greece. Maybe I should read the newspaper instead of cut out all the cutsie pictures I like. By the way, is Margaret Thatcher still the president of Europe?
Actually, I think the IOC and the World should agree to have the Olympic Games in Greece every year. They could build one enormous facility and save millions of pounds/dollars/euros!
Lovely story
Thank you for the lovely compliment. Have a lovely day.
I nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. Check out the link at:
http://thelivingnotebook.wordpress.com/2012/07/31/my-first-blogging-award/
Thank you for inspiring me with your blog and taking the time to visit!
TLN
As someone in the know once observed; “it’s hard work being neurotic and, it takes up all my time”.
Thanks for dropping by.
As someone in the know once observed; “it’s hard work being neurotic and, it takes up all my time”.
Lol. That is so true
I had an Absinthe birthday one year. I wish I liked the taste, but it’s a little too licorice-y for me.
“I had an Absinthe birthday one year. I wish I liked the taste, but it’s a little too licorice-y for me.”
I hate the taste of licorice. I was really disappointed. I was kind of expecting blue raspberry flavor.
We should market some flavoured Absinthe! Flavoured vodkas and rums seem to be a hit…we could be alcoholic revolutionaries!
I would buy ho hos for losers, wouldn’t you? I’m finally getting around to your blog
BUSY summer! I checked out your other site too. I’m impressed. I’m going to have to adopt some of clotilda’s rules for the house. You should see my house – no doin’t look, it might scare you. I can tell you it scares my husband and my daughter who don’t like my piles of stuff. Ah well, I can’t be perfect. Gotta have a few screws loose somewhere, right? I am going to follow you, but on google reader, so I don’t think you get notified. See you 
Angie
The philosopher Frederich Nietzsche says that you should develop bad habits to prevent you from being judgmental towards others.
Giggle! Love your graphics. And you have twins, too! : )
Thanks for the compliment. Your twins are cute. I hope the poison ivy clears up soon.
I LOVE this!!! Thank you for giving me my first big chuckle of the day…
Thanks. I hope you weren’t drinking strawberry milk at the time. When that stuff comes out your nose, it’s horrible. Trust me on that one.
I had to pause at the part when you were getting a massage and got naked…. i couldnt stop crying of laughter… i had to wait till the tears were gone so i could read again! Hysterical!! love it!
I don’t get it. I’m Asian, in America. I got naked when I go for a massage. Why is that even funny?
i’ve gotten naked as well before. It’s not so much about the act, its about her humor and her way of telling her story.
i didn’t mean to offend.
i was trained in massage therapy. Where I worked everyone took off their undies and almost no one used a sheet. We left sheets and towels out if people wanted them, but it’s easier to give a good massage to someone in the buff, so we hated walking in and seeing someone all covered up. If they made you feel uncomfortable, it was because they are assholes.
I didn’t do it for long – one of the co-owners was a crazy hoarder lady who got mad at me because I tried to organize a closet for her. She put locks on everything after that and I decided I didn’t need the drama. But I was really good at it. One older man told me he had gotten massages all over the world and I gave him the best massage he’d had in at least a decade. He also laughed about people keeping their clothes on for massages here in the states. Sorry you had a bad experience. But it was definitely them, not you.
Jamcracker, you have another site? Where?
The damn funniest part is the picture that’s too big for the column. Only JC would post that. I really laughed. It’s proof that you are not a fake nut! The real McCoy!
Hey! I’ve been trying to find a place to say thanks for liking many of my posts! I always enjoy yours too. Have a great day, Ms. Jamcracker.
I love it
I visit your blog about 6 times a day just to check if you made a new post, every post here is better and funnier than The one before
I don’t only love your posts, your way of replying to comments is fantastic too, and funny..
I was planning to write a post two days ago, it was meant to be a small post, but while writing you came untouched mind and I started writing without stopping, and the post became too big
Lettin’ it all hang out! Where is your follow button? I only know you have new posts when you visit my site which I totally appreciate. Guess I am blind eh…
Now I have a weird mental image of some guy grinning like a fool and jumping around naked plastered to a Hostess box in Japan. It’s still not as weird as the dream I had last night, but it’s definitely edging out the left-over disturbing imagery. So, thanks for that.
I had a pretty weird dream last night too. There must be something in the air.
Probably.
I know I didn’t eat a bad hoagie or anything…
Yaay! I can’t get the Chariots of Fire theme out of my head now, which means everything that I do takes on a bit of a slow mo, epic aspect. Slow mo, at any rate. I am also tempted to write a post in which I accuse the Olympics of being held in another location, just to see if anyone notices. Since my readership is made up of a tiny, albeit elite, population, I am afraid that I have a good shot.
I would rather have “The Chariots of Fire” in my head than a Lady Gaga song. I like her songs, but not all day long.
you are a wonderful weirdo, ms. jamcracker. birds of a feather. thanks for liking my posts.
Blessed are the complimenters, for they shall never fall prey to the evil eye.
You’ve just made me laugh and laugh! Love this blog!
Thanks for the compliment. May the ding dong fairy haunt your dreams with zingers and twinkies.
O.K. I can only follow this thread for so long but have to tell UR hee-haw hilarious.
i like the drawings
Did you ever watch that show called “Simon” on pinwheel back in the 70s? You know, the little boy who drew a world made of chalkboard drawings and he went and lived in it sometimes and hand adventures.
Great post – ’twas quite hilarious! Also, very nice drawing.
What you say is true though – non-medalists at the Olympics are hardly heard of again unless they compete and place at some other event or another Olympics. Reminds me of that Jacoby & Meyers commercials I see from time to time: “…Presidential elections are like lawsuits – You’re nobody unless you win.”
*That should be commercial singular, not plural…
I have noticed that candidates for presidential elections seem to be lacking in creativity when it comes to making campaign slogans. I think “You’re nobody unless you win.” would be a great one.
It certainly would – but nowadays it seems cats are solely interested in negative ad campaigns…
Nasty yeah!! Hehe
awww it sucks you guys lost touch. Jakes sounds like a cool dude. Maybe hell bump into you on here online somewhere.
Your friend Jake sounds uncannily like the character Joey from Friends!
Thanks for the follow!
You reminded me of how I used to “play” volleyball in 7th grade P.E.; I would just move out the of the way of the ball every time it got near me. They finally just quit including me and let me read for an hour instead.
Mission accomplished.
To come up short in the Olympics is definitely a challenge on such a prominent world stage ~ Those who do so with overwhelming grace definitely deserve the Hostess Twinkle award!
Nice story. I like the details and the flow.
Thanks for visiting my blog the other day. I am a little low on the learning curve and what are correct party manners in the walled garden of WordPress. You write very fluidly, do you actually know where you are going when you start? Or do you start with one idea and go from there? This is a serious question. Though I gotta say, I think most of the Olympic athletes who do not get the medals go back to their real life or become coaches themselves….I dunno I made that up on the spot. And just being didactic but check out this article, about what happens to them after they are done:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/olympics/9436370/London-2012-Olympics-life-after-the-Game-how-athletes-struggle-to-give-up-the-day-job.html
I’m a bit of a scatterbrain, and I am trying to stay focused on the main idea and make a point. Sometimes I get all sorts of other ideas and ramble on, then I delete the whole thing and start over.
Laughing hysterically….LMBO! You crack me up. Thank the Lord having a sense of humor is still permissible…:)
Awsum Post
I am new to blogs,and have just created my own blog. I don’t read much of the story related blogs,but your content is quite good,Must say.
There are some crazy people in the world! (Not you
Great story, and what a business opportunity – selling absinthe on the internet. Didn’t realise you’d lived in Seattle. I was there for 20 years. Miss it a lot.
lovely story.
I know this might not be new for you but, i nominated you for the very inspiring blogger award…
http://chroniclesofbadtimes.wordpress.com/2012/07/31/a-nomination-in-my-first-month-here-really/
thanx for inspiring me.
Hey, Samknacker! You’ve hit on some Olympics, so how about something on the ripped-off South Korean fencer? She got all defiant, and won over a lot of fans. Sounds like something you might do. — YUR
“Or if I was definitely going to loose the swim race, I would just stop and play dead.” XD Too cute, very entertaining post! Me uncle just very nearly made it into the Olympics back in…70s somewhere. Skiing. But…didn’t quite make it. He became a lawyer.
What a character…this Jake. Fascinating write!
Too many cheers to count,
Autumn Jade
Like your takes on life and events, and the artwork.
So….you are saying if I tank the Olympics I can have my “mug” on the front of a ding-dong, yoplait or Trix box??? Well, seeing as how 80% of the food we produce out there for us to consume is nasty cancer-causing, obesity-promoting, energy-killing, depression-increasing, diabetes-forming products I would say failure is a great face for those items!!!
FYI: Hypocrites footnote: I will be the first one to tell you I consume these products on occasion myself…guilty pleasures…hey! maybe they could put a blank square on the cover and I could put my OWN picture on their product containers!!! lol
I love how so many people can read the exact same article and get a perspective that is so totally different from their “comment-making” neighbor.
Makes this rock of a planet so much more entertaining.
Perspective: The Ghost Peppers of life
-me
Always a treat to sit & watch your thoughts spin webs!
Thanks for looking in on us & liking our recent post at “Memories on the Journey”! Next time you stop by Hong Kong, be sure to look us up… until then, hope to have you follow along & join the conversation. -jk
beautiful drawings.. They say that if you drink absinthe you have illusions etc. I tried a couple of times but didn’t see anything..hehe
LOL! Very funny post. I quite liked it
Thank you for “Like”-ing my post today, Clotilda.
(And what’s the update on the demon-possessed grasshoppers?)
My buddies and I have a similar philosophy: If you can’t win it, wreck it!
That would be very “un-American” to celebrate the losers. It’s all about capitalism and the point of capitalism is to promote winners not losers; “buy this product because this is a product of winners”. Nevermind the fact that they must have been good enough to even make the Olympics. I mean that’s the real problem that I have with any competitive sport really.
People talk about how “trash” or “garbage” a person’s skills are but they must have been good enough to be able to make it on the professional level. Many of those individuals that talk all that shit about professional athletes and stuff can’t do it themselves or they lack the motivation to push themselves to becoming better.
But I must agree, if I knew I wasn’t going to be the winner of an event, I’d do something that would tie me to that event for years to come. Sometimes it’s the person that makes the blunder that is more famous than the person who actually won….
You are facking hilarious. You had me at Eat Ho hos. The snack cake for losers. I snorted beer from my nose.
You’re pretty hilarious, love how you just flow from one thing to another and it’s all this one seamless thread of writing.
And thanks for the like on my post as well!
You’re intelligently hilarious. If only I could hit the like button multiple times, I would. You never fail to entertain. Now, I’m an official fan of yours. Keep up the good the and the funny work. Thank you for this post. My officemates thought I was insane for silently laughing on my own. Hahahaha.
Hey thanks. At least you have an excuse. Sometimes I’ll just be sitting by myself somewhere and I’ll start thinking of something really funny and start laughing hysterically. Some things just aren’t so easy to explain.
Reblogged this on HODGEPODGE and commented:
I can’t help it. I must reblog this.
Hi Clotilda – Amanda (the gardener) and I love your blog. So does everyone else in the office at William Wordsworth’s childhood home in the English Lakes. But Alex, the communications manager, asked me to point out one small thing – the Olympics are in England this year, not Greece. Naked swimmers would be good, though, in any country. Fletch, the Perchcrow x
Absinthe is still illegal in America? It’s on sale in supermarkets in Europe now. The whole ‘worm-wood gives you hallucinations’ and other ephemera surrounding absinthe has been proven to be false. Someone should have told Oscar Wilde that.
But, drinking it with ceremony is always a fine thing to do. Perhaps you should blog on how its done (sugar cube and all that)?.
PS, in ancient Greece only men competed in the Olympics. I was once thrown out of class for giggling uncontrollably after being told that. I couldn’t get the image of ten men sprinting with their bits slapping their thighs. It still makes me giggle just to think about it.
Matilda Graham Snacker.
‘sorry. I wanted to say it once. Now you have a pseudonym you can use in case you’re ever on the lam and want to make fun of the police.
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder, no? (Sorry)
You should get in ,touch with whoever you are able to. You are a lovely girl and a joy for all of us here. ^^
Thanks for visiting The BirdBlog and liking. Please come back and read more. I will do the same.
Fantastic pictures,
Thanks. drawing is one of my favorite time wasters.
Hilarious post! Hard to be an athlete that doesn’t win in the Olympics. Too bad that’s almost everyone.
Hi! Just passing by again to say I enjoy your blog as well ^_^
You continue to be so damn funny! Thanks for stopping by my blog again today.