My daughter swore up and down today that she would learn her multiplication table without giving me hard time, if only I would buy her a bag of butterscotch chips. I, being of sound mind, and eager to try new and innovative ways to make learning fun and exciting, I accepted this exciting new challenge.
I bought the candy. I bought into her cunning deceptive strategy.
When I was finished putting the groceries away, I noticed that my little girl had disappeared with the butterscotch candy. There was a rumor going around among the boys that little Miss Cheshire was hiding in her closet with the bag of candy and was eating it. When I called her to do multiplication, she told me that she lost the multiplication sheet to practice on, and she couldn’t find the candy.
I know she tells lies. Last year she got mad at me for making her eat the school lunch. So she snuck a bag of crackers to school and convinced her teacher that the only thing that I would let her eat at school was that tiny little bag of crackers.
She sneaks into the pantry while I’m not looking, and then I later find bowls of cereal and empty bags of crackers and chips laying about. She’s very secretive and sneaky.
Everyone’s got a skeleton in their closet. Some secret they keep for themselves and tell nobody about.
I had to pack up the stuff at my grandma’s house and move it into my parents garage. My dad put my grandma into a dirty state nursing home, and he sold her house so he could buy himself a car and pay some bills. Everyone thought my parents were really taking advantage of me for making me do all the work. I had to clean up her house and get it ready to sell.
I do have to say that I found some very interesting things in dear sweet grandma’s house. Some things led to stories that I had never heard of. Maybe it was grandma’s high morphine drip, I don’t know.
Personally, I think this looks like a mug shot. I can’t believe that my perfect grandmother has a criminal record. Nobody talks about things. Everyone in my family just tells lies to cover things up.
I know one thing for sure. I am not buying those butterscotch chips any more. Those are so freaking good. I can’t stop eating them. I think they’re made out of crack.