In case you haven’t heard the News, it’s 2012, and it’s the end of the world.
……And Zombies are everywhere.
If you’re like me, you are sick and tired of chopping off heads and burning those vile ferocious beasts. It’s stinky and disgusting, causes terrible nightmares, and frankly, its bothering the children.
That’s why I use
Raid Zombie Barrier Spray.
Just spray the perimeter of your house with this pleasant smelling foam and Zombies won’t come near your home for six to twelve weeks, guaranteed or your money back.
Even if Zombies haven’t invaded your neighborhood, this is definitely something your apocalypse survival kit should not be without.
But wait there’s more. With every purchase of Raid brand Zombie barrier spray, you can get a free sample of the new Combat brand Zombie Bait station.
Just leave this outside your home and Zombies will snack on the contents and bring the poison back to others in the Zombie nest.
Let’s face it, zombie problems can get out of hand and nasty if left untreated. So buy your protection today and stop the problem before you have an infestation.
Okay, my kids tell me that zombies aren’t real. But maybe they are real. Maybe Zombies are some sort of metaphor or analogy of a type of person who exists that people are subconsciously afraid of.
Maybe zombies are people on meth-amphetamines who are just living without using their brain.
Or maybe zombies are people who just just aren’t living consciously and are completely unaware that modern day society is completely computerized. Art isn’t beautiful anymore! Artists can only express themselves by tattooing themselves because they are afraid that whatever they paint will be paint over with beige neutral tones!
It is good to have you back and I am glad you are not a zombie.
Thank you for being the first to notice the first blog of my series…. Life Beyond the Art World.
Love your work, brilliant artisan~
http://pinterest.com/timesdisease/homesteading-a-dr-ordered-diy-prep-talk-take-2-of-/
Thank you.
BOL – I must have this Zombie Barrier Spray – hope it would ban the tax-zombie too
)
Hi Clotilda! Great to hear from you.
I purchased my zombie kit and got the discount by buying two! lol
Keep coloring outside the lines:)
Oh, Clo! You forget to mention the Zombie Zapper! Some find it recreational to watch them get blizted on a nice summer evening while sitting on their patios eating BBQ. We don’t personally have one but that’s just what I hear
. Actually, we’ve been known to invite them into our homes when seen lurking around. They are very interesting conversationalists.
I’m so glad your participating in the Photo Card Contest and that you are not among the Zombie population, sleep walking with eye wide shut and arms extended (unknowingly and knowingly poking others in the eye!).
Good day to you, girl!
ah yes, those pesky flying zombies!!
I think I need some Zombie Barrier Spray for our Zombie Apocalypse Party (http://greendoorhospitality.wordpress.com/2012/10/26/this-party-calls-for-a-theme-zombie-apocalypse/)!!
Kenley
There has been a zombie craze recently. i think it all has to do with the commercial world. They need something for people to focus on for when the tacky products come out for Christmas. UGH…!!!!
Good Luck with the contest. These are wonderful. I hope you win.
Thanks for stopping by my blog a clicking “Like”.
Isadora
I believe in zombies! Rawr! That is why I love resident evil and other zombie films. I do think they will exist when the world goes into biological war. People will mutate and act much like zombie. LOLs. Your entry is fun. I would love to have those Zombie barrier sprays but when time comes, i’d order tons of that so I can exterminate many of them. hahaha!
Welcome back! You were missed!
Voted – Good luck!
Thanks for the vote, You are awesome. I’ll be sending your free zombie spray via UPS.
You’re welcome
Fabulous – I’ll be on the look-out for it!
Brains are tasty, where can I get one of those combat things?
I’ll send you one free after you vote for me.
Pretty funny stuff! Thanks for stopping by my my blog tonight too! How is the voting different from the likes? What are we voting for?
I’m on my way to the store to buy a case of Raid Zombie Barrier Spray. And, I’m glad the election is over, because those Zombies are smart and quick! It seemed like an innocent, but another annoying election ad phone call, however, as soon as I answered the phone, the doorbell rang, there was banging on my back door, sounds on the roof, and screaming from my neighbor’s house…zombies! And I did not even care to ask what political party they represented!
Hope you win the contest.
Welcome back. Do those products work on vampires, too. I notice that lately popular literature has been infested by vampires and zombies. Do you have a product for that?
I think that if you spray your windows with the zombie spray that should be good against vampires. I’ll have to do some scientific research for that one.
Very cool, Clotilda Jamcracker! Hope you win.
(But that money back guarantee is kind of a racket though, ain’t it? I mean, if it doesn’t work, no one’s gonna be around to insist on a refund!)
Off to vote for the Jamcracker now.
(But that money back guarantee is kind of a racket though, ain’t it? I mean, if it doesn’t work, no one’s gonna be around to insist on a refund!)
yeah, I WAS so thinking about that part. I guess that’s the best marketing ploy ever.
Very very very pleased to see a post here again. I have sorely missed your (non-zombie) wit and honesty.
i need some zombie spray just in case haha
lol Have you seen the novella issued by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) regarding a zombie apocalypse? It’s actually geared towards creating an emergency preparedness plan for any natural disaster but it’s still entertaining. You should check it out.
I’m confused, where are the cards that say “I am not a Zombie.” I need some of those.
Is this a special request for anti zombie cards? I can do that.
Nice segway from Zombie Apocalypse to Christmas Cards… off to vote! good luck
Randomized, placebo-controlled trials indicate Raid Zombie Barrier Spray has a statistically significant effect on Unremitting Repulsive Disorder (URD) in steroid-unresponsive Zombies without break dancing talent. More studies are desperately needed.
Good luck!
Jim Amos, MD
The Practical Psychosomaticist
Didn’t Michael Jackson use some non-URD zombies in his Thriller video? I’m pretty sure those could break dance?
Nice design! Good luck!
Haha! Nice post Clotilda! Love the satire
And lovely card indeed!
Great to see you back. Missed your fun stories. I have voted for hte wonderful cards, they are beautiful. Also a non Zombie Ute x
I think it’s time to stock up!
Voted. I’d wish you luck, but luck is only for people who need it.
Check out this radio show on the subject of Zombies, (Zombies are coming):
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/israyliteheritage/2012/11/05/israylite-way–zombies-are-coming
Missed you Clotilda, and your posts of course!
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I like your theories and interpretations of Zombies
I’m the hundredth person to click the “like” button. The world is too boring and dull and too much concrete. way too much concrete. maybe if they painted some of the boringness with life (or neon) it would be better. Good to know there is at least one person left in the world who isn’t a zombie. it’s getting a bit tiring protecting the homestead from those who would eat our brains. Long live fingerpainting!!
Thank you for the like on my post about Spain’s economic depression. If you know of a cure for her zombie banks please let me know!
Funny… I was just talking about zombies here… http://pinterest.com/pin/99290366756203174/
I voted!
one more vote to a world of zombie-free! good luck!
Hi.. Thanks for stopping by at my blog… Your post is really funny… I have also voted on this vote.. Nice meeting you!!
Freedom for the Zombie-Free Zones! I absolutely love your http://www.clotildajamcracker.com/ Book of Ethriel! and thanks for liking “Deep Peace”…
I like your card designs. I hope you win! I’m glad you are not a zombie. Zombies don’t color very well.
We hadn’t heard of the Zombie Barrier Spray before … but will be sure to stock up on it as a “less mess” and preventative alternative.
Tried to vote but you can only do so if you have fb? Sucks…
I was just thinking about you – and here you are! Because I am so happy to read you again, I voted for your card design. Good luck!
Arrrrgh! Not on FB so banned from voting – so unfair. Love the designs, my non-zombie blogger.
Greetings from Zombie Land ! Glad to see your back , Thanks for the snack !
“It’s, beautiful… and it says “i am not a zombie.” I laughed out loud. We were exploring Madrid last spring when a hundred or so ghoulish forms lumbered and lurched out of a subway stop and crossed to our side of the street. Turns out that Madrid celebrates Zombie Pride Day. It made our little paseo memorable. Thanks for the like, and for the creative energy in your great blog.
Good to know you’re not a zombie. The cards you made are very nice!
This cracked me up
You’ve got my vote !
Although I am a bit worried that zombies will want to use your cards to send their zombie-holiday wishes…
Hilarious post, Clotilda – by the way, welcome back!
As for your hand-drawn cards, you have my vote!
Pod People are almost like zombies, no?
Glad you liked my post on Invasion of the Snatchers.
Love this! Voted for you, tweeted, FB and Pinned it. Hope you win.
What a fun post! Thanks for liking my post about the London MoonWalk, too – really nice of you to stop by
Remember the story in Miami where the guy ate the other ones face? Zombies ….
welcome back! and Whew! thanks for clearing that up, I really had these deep suspicions that you were in fact a zombie! And I am sure you must be telling the truth because zombies never lie! Love the cards, can’t wait to put a picture of my zombie children in one! I mean, real live human children, real live human children. –.–
there ya go, liked your card so much I pinned it! Good luck!
Hilarious! I find it ironic that I see this when soon I’ll be writing about the “Apocolypse” for my schools newspaper. Should be an interesting editorial. XD
Thank you for your great blog. I have nominated you for a Reader Appreciation Award. I hope you don’t mind. To accept the award, there are five steps you must follow. The link to my post in which you were nominated is: http://mightyturk.wordpress.com/2012/11/14/reader-appreciation-award/
It outlines the steps.
So happy to see you back, missed this first one after checking on you most days…!
There are, once dead, microbes reanimating in the stratosphere; long lost stuff from volcanoes
and bomb-blast. Think they’re called zombiestratos, & they are cold. I want a trap.
Are you against poisioning the zombies? > Date: Tue, 20 Nov 2012 20:00:22 +0000 > To: jamcracker@hotmail.com >
This is great – just what I need. And Rick from The Walking Dead. Wait, on second thought, Shane might be a better choice…Oh, he’s dead. Thanks for liking my blog wisebefore25.com. It looks like we have a more than a few things in common.
Helpful information!
Wonderful take on the zombie threat. By keeping them at range with the barrier spray it is easier to use the 12-guage on them. Have you ever tried to use a shotgun in close combat?
Yes, we were using the shot gun method on the zombies, but it upsets the children and the sound attracts the other zombies and ammo is so expensive these days, with the inflation the way it is.
This is hilarious! Literally made me LOL!
There’s history on this (Zombies) you may or may not be interested in.
The term zombie is actually a derivative of Zamia. It transformed somewhat over the ages, this individual based on a real population indigenous to Africa that were used as labor along the Ivory coast.
These individuals had the unique presentation of speechlessness, strength and endurance, the combination of which made them exploitable as cheap labor. They worked practically for free and when injured continued to perform tasks unfettered by their limitations, hence if one such individual broke an arm loading a pallet of Ivory he would continue to work as though the injury were unnoticed.
They had a high pain threshold, and there were numbers of them enough to have stuck in the imagination of deck hands who told stories about them upon their return to Europe.
In reality these individuals presented autistic for lack of DHA in their diet and limited intake of electrolytes. This was a highly specialized adaptation to a location where food was scarce, and of course cannibalism was a part of their daily diet. A multi-national research organization spent two decades there producing some of the richest history on autism of record.
You’ll hopefully remember those plasticized human remains that wee making the round in the US 15 years ago. Those were Zambian. They probably sold themselves to research, which this was then used to present to the public pharmacology as a an art form as it were and subsequently increase your fascination with the macabre in acculturation to what will be your future. You think it’s funny, do you? the game here is occult rendition, and if this works for you, you too will be thus represented.
What you see on television is kind of accurate with the exception that this population was not so much mindless as they were “mind blind”. The application to today’s culture is pharmaceuticals can be used to induce the same state of mind, just drug manufacturers haven’t yet figured out how to lobotomize without taking out the endocrine system, which unfortunately this produces a full blown zombie, as it were.
In one dramatic example of how this macabre science worked against one child in particular, this individual experiencing itching on her skin broke a coke bottle on the ground and rolled herself around in the glass to relieve herself. She didn’t feel the pain, and she attempted to resume ordinary movement with some critical changed to her anatomy. Is this funny?
This is your pharmaceutically induced zombie. This is what they are describing is coming to the shores of America, except it isn’t an immigrant or invader. It’s us. They can do this with GMO in connection with pharmaceuticals, and people entertained by this don’t have a clue they are mocking their own future. They’ve already started this project, and Americans not knowing for the better are being entertained by what will become their own legacy.
I know this. I know the toxic effects of Sorbitol, Thimerosal and Squalene. So does Dr. Andrew Wakefield. Wakefield co-engineered the Sorbitol laced MMR vaccination, and he’s pulled the wool over the eyes of the American public who have turned to him for salvation for their children’s lives who were destroyed by this horrific pharmacology. I challenged him to a debate on this issue to which he will not discuss this in open forum, for obvious reasons. He’s a monster.
Have fun with your press. You are basically staring down your own future in these circumstances. You are the Zombie products of tomorrow. Go ahead and laugh at yourselves.
Hello Again, really good to hear from you! Thanks for the like. I liked your Zombie post. It does appear that the walking dead are among us. Just consult your doctor for the latest and greatest zombie make drug. Take Care Keep in touch! Were can you get some of that spray?
We don’t have any problem with Zombies down here in New Zealand. But strangely, when we go overseas we find that everyone has problems with us …
Reblogged this on mermaidcamp and commented:
Nobody is prepared. Are you?
Seriously. Have you ever been to a shopping mall on Black Friday? I’ve only seen TV newscasts because I fear for my life. Zombies are totally for real.
Good to know!
I saw zombie bullets at Walmart the other day lol. Thanks for checking out my page. Keep it up
Thanks for checking out my page and leaving a ‘like’ it gave me a chance to visit your blog!
Happy Zombie fighting
I loved this so much I reblogged it. ow it is making all my readers so happy. I am so pleased this all important work is being done.
Thanks for replying to my most recent blog!
Have you considered hiring the professional services of a Lightchild? The Starblade borne by one is specifically designed to destroy Shadow Creatures, which are far worse than zombies. The most famous of Lightchildren, Alain Harper, has had the most experience with zombies, although his price is high (N.B.: he is an extremely soft touch for hard-luck cases).
Given the overall superiority of a katana over a straight two-edged sword for hacking a target to bits, katana-like curved Starblades designed specifically to deal with the Zombie Apocalypse are being forged as I write.
Don’t leave your family’s protection to chemicals or amateurs. Call in the metaphysical Marines. Get a Lightchild on your side.
http://portaloflight.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/the-starblade-part-01/
Alain got his most recent experience with zombies in the novel Realmwalkers. For the morbidly (?) curious, here is the strange but true story of how I created that character:
http://portaloflight.wordpress.com/2012/05/01/how-i-created-alain-harper-part-01/
EVERYBODY!!! THIS IS A SCAM!!! When I sprayed my house with this junk I want to be and felt like: Ok I can sleep tonght finally. Then about two dozen death Zombies attacked my house and ate my cat and one of my Black Labs. On the flip side my wifes top was ripped off during the fight so that was a plus!
Thanks for the notice
I like to use Snake-A-Way. Zombies hate that, burns their eyes. It’s the sulfur.
Thanks for the info about anti-zombie products, I will be sure to stock up!
Hi! Thank you for the “Like” on my blog post. Your zombie spray post made me laugh. What fun! -Lori
Love it, haven’t had a zombie since I used your spray, I can’t even get white zombie on the radio after your spray
I read this just in time, my “claymore palm” and lucky zombie-shotgun-trigge- finger were getting a might blistery. It’s nifty to know there’s SOMEBODY out there in the ethers who is a regular Billy Mays of aniti zombie products!
Wait…it jst occured to me, Billy Mays is now the Notorious R-I-P, so he COULD one day come back as a zombie and want his job back…Hmmm..
But hey, either way, You’re PREPARED!! B) lol
Very well said!! You are right, zombies are everywhere, and it’s not people they are after its dead trees with dead presidents on them. They forgot how to chase the people. Thanks for this!!!!
Ha ha, I see that you have been busy being as outraguous and creative as always! I have been gone for a while but glad to see that you have not!!!!
We here about the end coming all the time. Le Journal has a few articles every week. Perhaps because we are down the road from Bugarach which is to be the final portal. If you are not in France, perhaps you would like to check out my post from Bugarach?
This is just too funny – I’m still smiling & lol
This is pretty great actually.
Great post! Beware who you talk about zombies with, though…I tell a story about being shunned for this type of conversation in my commentary on my podcast: http://radiofreenewengland.com/2012/07/08/rfne-ep-21-spotlight-on-the-umbrella-cover-museum-and-local-seafood/
Not sure how I missed this post (think I need to check my email SPAM settings or something cause you’re not the only one) but now I’m wishing there was a “love” option!
That was creative! Also, thanks for checking out my blog. Greatly appreciated!
I just figure, whether zombies exist or not you can’t be too safe. I will be spraying that foam on my perimeter, just in case.
Thanks Again! Got to run I have two more post to write on GMOZ. We’ll talk later, I hope.
That was a really good read. lol! feel like i’ve been living my life as a zombie..bleh…:)
Hi Clotilda,
I laughed again and again at the zombie story. Another hoot! Thanks for visiting my blog and liking my latest post.
Pingback: Protecting your loved ones in the Zombie Apocolypse | clotildajamcracker « leilaworldblog
Well, Zombies-if they are out be it fiction of fact it is good to be protected- Thanks for stopping by my blog and taking a look see.
I am glad to hear someone has finally invented something to deal with zombies. We have so many here in Ireland. Eyes glazed with a lack of vision and new ideas. Merry Xmas.
I like this! I hope zombies are allergic to bug spray when I’m out in my garden.
Truly A sad state…..humans are no longer valuable.
Simply Jyune
xoxo
Well…my biggest problem with zombies isn’t whether or not they exist–they most certainly do–but that the creatures no longer honestly lurch out of the dark to attack. Worse by far, the brain-dead ghouls now attack by voting. This as you know, is popular among the many types of dead and undead and zombies have taken to it with enthusiasm, as our recent election attests. However, I’m personally protected ever since becoming interested in such things; my brain is poisoned by politics and no zombie will come near it anymore…
Haha, I loved this. It was a very funny opening and a powerful, meaningful conclusion. I certainly think zombies are a very valid metaphor for many things in modern life. My friend and I actually influenced a professor to teach a philosophy course about zombies.
Thanks, by the way, for coming by to like my last post at Backyard Philosophy. I really appreciate it. Best of luck writing and with the rest of your projects.
–Brett
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Reblogged this on lilybee301's Blog and commented:
Now that is so cool.
So where do you buy these anti-zombie products?
Hey there — thank you for checking out my blog!
– Rebecca
This. Is. Perfect.
You do realize that the only snack food that interests zombies is: Twinkies? (Loved your post, very funny)
Hi Jamcacker…so pleased you have resurfaced on my site. But I do see you have just gone from followers to more and more followers. That must be a full time blog…er…job. Wish you the Merriest. Robert
Hey Clotilda, thanks for liking my blog
I’m so glad we all made it through the Notpocalypse so we can return to being zombies! Keep up the good work, and I hope you’ll visit us for a few chuckles too. Happy holidays!
Your’s was the fastest “Like” I’ve ever gotten. Thanks.
thanks for dropping by
it’s nice to get encouragement from the blogosphere. And I like the zombie spray!
Thanks for the visit … May your New Year be a great one !!! Be a Seed for Change
I wanted to be a zombie once, when I was a kid, but I became a bank manager instead.
All my post apocalyptic worries are sorted! Thanks
Thank you for the “Like”. From you, that is a real compliment.
Thanks for the “Like”, and the compliment. You and your readers are welcome to download a free copy of my book, Why Marriage Matters, by Howard Rosenbaum. All you need to do is go to http://www.smashwords.com and use this coupon code: AW75R. The coupon is good until 1/1/2013.
Thanks for your encouraging likes. Keep the flame burning.
I knew I wasn’t the only one preparing! Now I have an alternative to keeping a pitchfork by my bed. ^-^ You zombies are going down!
Thanks for reminding me to look up and around. Hope I’m not a zombie:) Happy New Year since the world didn’t end.
Yeah, but don’t you feel bad when they lie on their backs with their legs in the air, making that despairing buzzing sound?
Which is by way of saying thanks for liking my latest Post (No. 169). Not sure I do, lot of people worse off than misery me. Did you make this pretty stuff? Wow.
I have to have this ’cause I ain’t satisfied with the job that’s been done by my local elected zombies.
I should really remember to buy these things, haha.
Here, laugh and entertain yourselves with this:
http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/vatican/esp_vatican69.htm
Thanks for liking “passing the buck” and for sharing the zombie art.
LOL. My 11 y.o. was on for months about the Zombie Apocalypse. I’ll let him know this product no doubt save us all from a horrible fate. Thanks for the “like” on my post.
Where can I purchase this? Wherever zombie deterrents are sold?
Thanks for liking my post. Zombie deterrents indeed! Fantastically hysterically absolutely fabulously funny!!! This is definitely living creatively. I love it.
Wow. I grinned through the entire well-written, concise, amusing bit. You are a hoot! Maybe the zombies aren’t aflicted people who are ill with drug addiction, or those of us who can be robot-like as we wonder through this high-tech world. Maybe the zombies are the people in this world who try to invade our happiness with their negativity. They wander the earth and are easy to spot with special positive view eye glasses! They are dangerous, blood-sucking, and will try to steal every bit of joy you have. And maybe our “Raid brand Zombie barrier spray” is our sense of humor, our kindess, and our positive and celebratory dance! Take care and thanks for the good read! p.s. Thanks for liking my blog post, “The White Shirt”. I appreciate it. I’m looking forward to reading more of your amusements! Take care. xoJulia
Thanks for liking my blog. Kind of love the anthropology of zombies!
This is hysterical, love the dry humour. Will definitely be wanting to read mor of your work!
Ha Ha. I prefer the original swinging axe across the neck. A headless Zombie is a good Zombie…..Grrrrrr!
Reblogged this on Here's my suitcase full of thoughts, and commented:
This has been the best thing I’ve read in WordPress so far!
Hi, thank you for stopping by … and showing folks how to color outside the lines
Thanks for stopping by my blog. And for posting this entertaining entry!
Parent: “So, I see you’re dating a zombie.”
Girl to parent: “I know what you think, but at least he likes me for my brain not just my body!”
Excellent! Very entertaining, yet quite useful too. Don’t forget to “Double-Tap”!
~kp
I bet kale would work on zombies-all those antioxidants combined with that awful color. But kind of thinking syncretically here and free associating with reference to some of your other posts: have you ever considered getting preggie by a zombie for the good of mankind and to save the planet? That really ought to send your parents over the top, probably put them in orbit around Pluto. Then you’d be done with them for good and you could turn that baby zombie into a secret agent suicide bomber with mega-ton paks of anti-zombie spray. Put an end to that whole mess too. Just a thought.
Speaking of Zombies, they were a very good musical group in the ’60′s. Our band, Silver Laughter, never did any of their tunes, but we did do a lot of Beatles songs! http://www.silver-laughter.com! Come visit us!
I’ll take a dozen! I predict you’ll sell so many, you’ll become obscenely rich and may even become a slightly looser tightwad… : )
I can sum up all of my thoughts on this blog in just one word: WOW!
Off topic; I love your blog name. I swear, there are morning that I get out of bed just repeating that name to myself for fun. Clotildajamcracker . . . Clotildajamcracker . . . Clotildajamcracker . . . Clotildajamcracker . . . Clotildajamcracker . . . Clotildajamcracker. Love it!
Again! Clotildajamcracker!
Thanks for visiting my blog as it bounced me over to you. Zombies are…those apathetic lazy-arsed don’t-wanna’s who beilieve life owes them a living; they suck all the energy out of a room when they enter and scare the living **$* out of every sane-minded individual who is looking to make their world a better place. I have to pop down to the supermarket now and get some of that ‘zombie-away’ spray!
Warm Bodies?