I can't get no disinfection

If you drop a toothbrush in the toilet and there is nobody there to see it, did it really happen?  Only if it wasn’t your toothbrush.  You can sterilize, disinfect and call a priest to exorcise  bacteria on that toothbrush, but it isn’t going to do any good.  You can boil that toothbrush until you’re blue in the face, but I can guarantee one thing.  You aren’t going to find one person in their right mind to brush their teeth with that toothbrush, because once something has fallen into the toilet, it’s never the same.

I, myself, am like a defiled dental hygiene product that has fallen into the watery abyss of a forgotten latrine.  I suppose I could blame everyone else, it would make me feel better.  It’s the noble thing to do.  When I blame myself I start feeling that life just isn’t worth living and I don’t care any more. In the summer, I leave buckets of water out for the mosquitos to swarm around and I don’t even put on mosquito repellant.  I’m fearless.  I’ll just walk right out into a swarm of those vicious little vampires.  I could get the West Nile Virus, I don’t care.

I’ve never told anyone this before, but I buy grapes that aren’t organic, and I eat them without even washing them.  Yeah, I’m crazy like that.  I guess you’re wondering why someone would go insane and put their life on the line like this.  I’ll tell you why.  It’s just the way I am.  I was just born like this.  I guess I was born with some masochistic gene that makes me want to go out of my way to torture myself.  That’s the only explanation I have for it.  That is, it’s the only explanation if I don’t feel like blaming others for my problems.  But if I were to blame someone, I guess I would blame my family.  It is a proven scientific fact that those first few years of life cause a lasting imprint on a person. This imprint will last a person their whole life and there really isn’t anything that anyone can do about it.  A strange person can try to blend in with society, but it doesn’t work.  Everyone has that sneaking suspicion that there is something that just isn’t right.   

Conformity is quite valuable in our society.  Everyone is trying to blend in.  Nobody wants to stand out.  Just go with the flow and everything will be hunky dory and peachy keen. Yeah, everyone knows this.  It’s common sense.  Mothers teach this to their children in order to protect them from embarrassment and ridicule.  Guess whose mom forgot to tell her that you shouldn’t bring zany ideas out into public? Yeah, that’s right.  My mother.

In all the madness and confusion of always trying to scrape together enough money to pay the bills and the taxes, I was sort of forgotten.  Yes, my very own mother was far too busy to teach me about life the, universe, and everything.  It’s the mother’s job to protect the young from harm, and if the mother isn’t watching her little goslings, someone else will.  My great  grandmother, Mabel, took me under her wing, and told me that my entire family had been enticed by the beast that was controlling the world.  Maybe it was true, and maybe it wasn’t, but how was I supposed to know right from wrong and good from bad.  I was just a kid.  I hadn’t seen movies.  I hadn’t read Shakespeare or Oscar Wilde.  All I knew were the fairy stories of yore, told to me from the only person who had time to help me tie my shoes.  Which, by the way were made from synthetic materials that came from petroleum that was made of the blood of the beast.  Those things had to go, as well as anything else that was made of plastic.

Had I been an aborigine living in the bush, this might have worked out just fine.  But I wasn’t.  I was a normal American kid who had to attend public school like everyone else.  I learned the hard way, that homemade leather soled moccasins were not a socially acceptable thing to wear to school.

 

No matter how hard I cried, no matter how many letters my great grandmother Mabel wrote to the school and the school board, they still made me wear sneakers to P.E.  They laughed when I told them about the evils of the unholy beast who wanted to take over the world.  They scorned me and put me to shame when I refused to sit in a plastic chair at a plastic desk.  Looking back, I don’t think it was such a good thing to stand up for what I believed in.  It sure would have been nice to have someone there by my side at school.  Someone who would be on my side and stand up for me.  But alas, I had no one.

Well, I did have a sister.   I wouldn’t exactly say that she was on my side.  She was the exact opposite of a loving compassionate sibling.  You know what that whore of Babylon did to me?  She told everyone that I used an out house.  Oh, sure it was true, and it seemed like a good thing at the time.  I was told that using the plastic toilet would summon a dark evil beast that would prey upon my soul.  It could have been true. Who knows.  Everyone is always saying that there is something wrong with the world today.  Maybe nobody has a soul anymore.  Maybe there really is a dark and evil beast who preys on those who use plastic.  Maybe it’s true, and maybe it isn’t.  But I do know one thing for sure.  If this sounds like madness; if I sound a bit off my rocker, then there is only one reason for it.

I am nothing more than a toothbrush that was dropped into a toilet.  After what I’ve been through, and after what I’ve seen; I will never be the same. I fear nothing.  I use public restrooms and I don’t open the door with paper towels.  I use my bare hands!  And sometimes….I don’t even wash them.

 

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