When I was a little girl, I had a little brother named George. Guess what happened to him? He’s dead. You know why? He did a cannonball into the swimming pool and he died. That’s right. Jumping into the swimming pool can be deadly.
So when the government decided to print some stamps with a little boy doing a cannonball. I protested. Thank God they took these stamps off the press. Otherwise, there’s no telling how many innocent children would have attempted to perform such a dangerous activity.
These are the stamps I’m talking about.
Can you believe the government was going to sell stamps like this? What were they thinking? If kids saw these stamps they would all start being daredevils and hurt themselves. This one time when I was a kid, I rode a skateboard without proper safety equipment and I SCRAPED MY KNEE! I had to wear a band-aid for six whole days! And this one time, I played baseball and someone threw a ball at me and I got hit with it in the stomach and it HURT REALLY BAD! Baseball is dangerous. That sport should be banned! And speaking of dangerous, do we really want our kids playing soccer and basket ball? They could fall and twist their kneecaps out of place. It’s horrible.
Look at the girl on the stretch stamp. She is standing on one leg. That is dangerous. She could fall! There’s another kid doing a handstand. That’s dangerous. There’s a potential neck injury there.
But not to worry. I have a friend in Congress and we made sure that no child will ever see these dangerous images. Instead we are replacing these stamps with safer more appropriate stamps of children sitting on a nice safe couch, using good posture, and definitely away from any form of poisonous sunlight.