Ketchp on the kitchen floor, horses on the fire



Bad words are like cockroaches.  Hate them.  Try to banish them.  You can pretend that they don’t exist, but they’re real.  They’re everywhere, even when you don’t see them.  But sooner or later, when you least expect it, one will come out of your very own house…and leave you trembling. 

Bad words are what’s going to happen the day I paint my kitchen floor bordello red.  I have to be cunning and skilled in the art of ninja mind control.  Otherwise I will not be able to carry out my plan of house beatification.  Because this is 2014, The Year of Perfection.  Finally, once and for all my house will be absolutely perfect.  Nothing will stand in my way.  Except the envelope plan.

Chinese New Year is coming up soon.  It will be the year of the wood horse.  Women born in the year of the fire horse have been known to kill their husbands.  It makes me wonder.  I know a woman who was born in the year of the fire horse.  I know her very well.  Every time I see her I want to slap her and say bad words.  But I don’t.  Because if I do, I will be just like her. 

I was born in the year of the rabbit.  I’m lucky.  I can just run away.  Or I can just ignore it and do something insanely shocking like paint

my kitchen floor red.  I’ve noticed that the color red is offensive to most people.  But then I started thinking.  I’ve given this a lot of thought and I have come to the conclusion that the color red is only offensive to obnoxious people.  And, well, I don’t want to be around that sort of person anyway. 

Despite the frightened looks and warnings, I did the most horrible thing that a person can do.  I painted the kitchen floor red.  And then I stenciled it with mandalas.  It looks awesome and everyone loves it.  I feel like I can live again.  Finally that empty place inside has been filled. I love my kitchen floor! Hallelujah!  Praise heaven above!

This is my kitchen floor.


My son told me that if anyone points out where I made a mistake, I should firmly deny it.  I considered this option.  But then I decided to fix every mistake and flaw.  But I made it worse.  Being perfect is no easy task.  This is going to be challenging.



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About clotildajamcracker

oddball fiction writer and suburban food forest gardener. I'm into debt free living and tightwadding. I have lots of money saving tips and recipes, gardening advice and interesting stories on my website I am saving up to plant a huge food forest ecosystem using permaculture and other sustainablity methods that will save the earth from the evil minions who want to cover it with shopping centers, parking lots and factories. My children's books are currently available on Amazon Some of my art is available at

8 responses »

  1. The natural world is filled with imperfection, but overflowing with harmony and completeness. And if we look for it … peace. So it is with your floor, your mandalas?

  2. I like your floor. I’m glad you did it. I’m sorry that you feel the need to manipulate and justify the use of ‘ninja mind control.’ It is, after all, just a floor. Even if we could (or would want to) achieve perfection, would we waste such an awesome power on a floor? Skip the “scurry,” enjoy life and those around you.

  3. Installed 12″ off-white ceramic tiles in our kitchen and adjoining central hallway in 1999. Had our installer use a blend of two grout powder colours I can no longer remember and, for reasons into which I will not go, we no longer talk to the installer. The concept and style choice was exactly what we wanted. Looked great 13 years ago. Now, with dark chip marks where objects dropped by bipeds and gravity conspired against me or houseflies rudely and clumsily landed without a gentle glide, and with grout that’s impossible to clean back to that light colour or replace, your post has illuminated my way out. Thanks.

    P.S. Wish I could say that I already knew what “bordello red” looks like…

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