The Lurch is in the bathroom. He is hiding in a stall.
But do go in there anyway. You are on your own, my son.
If you go to the castle nonesuch, you won’t ever want to leave. All the sheets are made of cotton, 100 percent weave.
At the edge of the Chesky island, up at the tippy top. There’s castle filled with manners, and they always dance up top. This is the castle nonesuch. You have never seen such fabrics. Everything in the castle …is hand made by the finest craftsmen in the world. If you want to go there, all you do is bring a fine gift and present it to the king as a gift and walk away. If the king approves and thinks it’s pretty cool, he’ll invite you over to visit the castle.
That’s it. He won’t let you live there of course. He’ll just let you come over and look around. That way, you can copy it and have one of your own. It’s less complicated that way. And if your house ever gets cool enough, you’ll get to do the same thing. You know, have people bring you way cool gifts all the time. Oh, and later on, if you get too much stuff, you can give it all away to your friends for Christmas, and they’ll like it.
Oh dear me. It’s just absolutely delightful being a King. Everyone on Chesky Island wants to be the King. However, I don’t think they even know what the king does. For starters, the King has to wear Ralph Lauren’s Clothes all the time. He has to sit proper and drink tea with snobbish old ladies every day at four o clock. I mean seriously. Who would want to live like that? I hear, they don’t even look through telescopes. They don’t have any cranks either.
Jesus Almighty! How are they surviving? Lord knows. There’s a real village behind that castle. I hear, those people are all warriors who can attack if someone tries to overtake the castle. Nobody knows they’re there. Everyone thinks the whole thing is just pretend because it’s so prim and proper. But it’s real.
They won’t let you visit unless you have the most manners in the whole world. Everyone on Chesky Island knows this. You know, the whole thing about manners getting you into the royal gates to have high tea with the queen. And so they’re are all trying very hard to be the most perfect people in the world, just in case the queen should ask them over for a visit one day. There’s a rumor that the palace cook has the best crepes you’ve ever tasted. That’s why everyone wants to go there so bad.
However, nobody from South Chesky Island ever gets to visit the castle nonesuch. They will never learn what it really means to have manners. And so it is and so it was, the way it had to be.
Have you had a Ding Dong today?
This message is brought to you today by Ding Dongs, the snake cake that you don’t have to bake yourself.
Jamcracker Theatre Presents
Fairy Tales From France
Volume 1, Story 1
1001 French Rendezvous
A long time ago, in France, there was a little girl. She didn’t want to marry a handsome prince one day and become the princess. She wanted to marry the beach lifeguard. He was a surfer named Larry who had a tatoo of a dolphin over his left shoulder. It was for this reason that the little girl decided that she was going to be the queen. She wanted to get her own castle, but she didn’t know how. So she decided that she would ask the queen herself. But the only way to do that was to make a gift so wonderful and so great that the queen herself would receive it, like it, and cherish it forever.
So the little girl read every book and listened to every story until she had heard them all over and over again. Then she wrote them all down neatly in handcrafted leather bound books that are now widely known as the Fairy Tales of France. The original copy is kept in an underground chamber underneath a secluded Castle in the South of France.
A hand crafted replica of the fairy tale collection was given to the little girl along with an ornately carved castle, which was carved entirely out of stone. She was given the title…Queen of the Castle Nonesuch.
She was Queen Miette Le Flume, the first queen and founder of Chesky Island.
When Violet was a little girl, her mother took her to Spain to dance at a bull fight. It was to be her moment in the sunlight. She had never been more excited in her entire life. For days, weeks and months she looked forward to meeting the son of the Matador after a long and bloody fight.
But alas. The Bull did not fight. The so called fierce and ferocious Bovine just sat on the ground smelling the flowers. There was no fight, there was no blood and gore. There was no bloodthirsty violence. It was both embarrassing and bad for the Spanish economy. Someone had to be blamed for the upheaval, so they blamed the French Family that had brought the dancing girl. They sent them back to France and accused the little girl of carrying the evil eye. The bad and evil eye that causes bad luck and calamity.
It is forbidden to use or carry the evil eye. Posession of the evil eye will get you sent to Chesky Island. And if you go to Chesky Island, you can never go back to the mainland ever again. You are there for life.
They don’t beat around the bush in France. They aren’t stupid there. It is obvious who the culprit is, there is no need for the wishy wash. It is for this reason that prisoners aren’t read their rights right before they get sent through the tunnel of darkness and land on Chesky Island.
Violet didn’t have any rights. She did what she was told. She did what she was told and she still got in trouble. How do ya like that? You know why? Because her mother was an idiot, that’s why. But hey, you gotta stand by your family. Right?
When Violet got to the island, she went to live in Terraced housing. Do you know what a terrace is? A terrace is a giant staircase made of long strips of houses. It’s how the whole Island is built up on the South side. The house Violet went to live in was house number 9, third house, downtown.
There were four in her family when they left that house. And only two of them lived long enough to escape.
Violet Escaped with her mother, but they were soon found out and were sent right back to Chesky Island. Unfortunately, when they got back, someone else was living in their house. That’s the way it goes. Hidden within the walls of the house were the directions for how to get off the island. Violet’s mother hid them behind the plumbing before they left. She left them there because if she ever got sent there again, she wanted to make sure she could find them again. She hated Chesky Island and couldn’t imagine having to be trapped there for all eternity.
This is what was really going on. Violet’s mother, I’m sorry to say, was a little bit loonie tunes. She told Violet that they were going back to their Vacation home for a few months. But when they didn’t get assigned the same house, she told Violet that the people living there were squatters and if they needed a place that bad then they could have it for all she cared. She did need to get a magic amulet that she left in the walls, however, and she sent Violet over there time and time again to go searching for it.
Of course it wasn’t a magic amulet she was after. She wanted a box of money, the map, and the list of directions and necessary items you need to escape. She didn’t tell Violet they were prisoners. She was too embarrased.
Nobody talks about being a prisoner, it’s forbidden. And since nobody talks about it, kids grow up not knowing what on earth is really going on. And when you have no clue what’s going on, it sort of seems like something isn’t right. There’s a good reason for that. If something doesn’t seem right, it’s probobly not.
The legend goes that you can see an earthquake coming a mile away. Right before it comes there will be the biggest flock of birds that you have ever seen. This will give you plenty of time to escape. When you see a flock of frightened birds gathering together in one spot this is a good indication that the earthquake is coming. It also means a storm is coming. A good rule of thumb is, the more freaked out chattery birds in one spot, the worse the storm will be. As for the big earthquake, the so called big one that has supposedly occurred every three hundred years like clockwork, the birds start rolling in over the horizon. They roll in and cover the island like the world is about to end. It’s loud and noisy for three straight days. Then all of a sudden they all fly off together. Then the gulf becomes really still and quiet. It’s too quiet and it makes you think something is up. Then orange clouds roll in and the whole island is covered in a fog so thick you can’t see. It’s like this for three days, then it goes away. Then, three days later, when it seems like nothing is going to happen the earthquake hits. Sometimes it makes the island sink, sometimes it makes the island come up out of the ground. But everyone knows that if there’s an earthquake on an island the entire ocean floor around the island also gets rumbled. And rumbling ocean floors always cause tsunamis. A tsunami is a huge ocean wave that are so big and strong they can wash out huge cities. Nobody can survive a Tsunami. Even if you can swim, you’ll be knocked out and drowned for sure if you get hit by billions of megatons of ocean water.
No, you can’t survive the disaster. The only way to survive is to get out and get away before it all happens. So sure, everyone had the equipment to watch out for the storm that was about to come, but there was just no way to escape the island. And since they weren’t allowed to leave, people just didn’t care about bird watching and storm chasing. Everyone on the island had telescopes so they could look out for danger. They had such powerful telescopes that they could see frightened birds coming a mile away. Unfortunately they all had their periscopes pointed in the wrong direction until it was too late to do something sensible.
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Everyone on Chesky Island has a telescope. Some lucky people even have a periscope. A long time ago they were used to watch the sunrise and the tides. The world is so predictable. The earth and everything on it has a cycle. The people on Chesky Island seemed to know all about cycles. Every 365 days there was a huge party with firecrackers in the sky. This marked the beginning of the new year. There were parties every Friday night which happened exactly every seven days. They knew all about cycles. They also all knew that there was an earthquake and tsunami every few hundred years that always seemed to kill off every single person that lived on the island.
Of course, nobody really believed that it would happen ever again. It had been so long since the last natural disaster that everyone just decided that the Island had just grown tired and wasn’t going to have one anymore. A few people really believed the time was near. They knew the signs. They knew it was about to happen and they knew that they would be spared because they didn’t say any bad words. Others had bought caves that were guaranteed to survive both earthquakes and tsunamis.
Yes, natural disasters were indeed the best topic of conversation guaranteed to spark up interest in every Friday night party and Wednesday night gatherings. They called this watching out and being attentive. But they weren’t watching. They were watching something but they didn’t have their telescopes pointing at what they were supposed to be looking at. They were supposed to be watching the sunrise every morning. But alas they were not. It was too boring for them. And what difference did it make anyway? If the everyone on the island was bound to die, the only real way to escape was to sneak into the stone castle on the North Side of the island.
On the North Side of the Island was a huge castle carved out of a single rock. It had been standing there since the beginning of time and people were living in it. These people wore the most beautiful clothes they had ever seen. Everything in their house was beautiful and they didn’t seem to have piles of garbage everywhere. It was for this reason, that they decided a king must live there. It was exciting to watch these people. They gave them all names and watched them night and day through their telescopes. They called this the castle Nonesuch, because in all the world, there was none such a castle as marvelous as this one. It was surrounded with date palm trees. Chickens and cows wandered around it, and the bay was filled with shrimps and Lobsters. The gulf was so much bluer by the castle and nobody could figure out why on earth it wasn’t brown and filled with mounds of floating muck.
So, you see. Everyone wasn’t just drinking hot and steamy Zorba and playing with their cats. They had their eye on the castle Nonsesuch.
They all dreamed that they would one day get to live there. They all decided that if they watched the people in the castle long enough that one day they would magically wind up living in the castle themselves. They all had this dream, but nobody talked about it. According to popular rumors, the people in the castle worshipped Snatcher and said bad words. They would all burn up in Hades one day. For all riches and anything of real beauty comes from Snatcher. Some people believed that the castle was just one of Snatcher’s tricks.
The Lurch is someone you know. He is someone you’ve seen every day. If he gets you alone his eyes will turn black. The room will grow grow so warm that you feel like you are sitting inside a clam shell. That’s when the lurch sticks out his tongue and slurps the marrow from your bones.
If you happen to live in a secluded place that’s perfect and really awesome, the thing to do is keep your mouth shut and not tell anyone about it. Otherwise everyone and their dog will find out about it and pretty soon all the good food has been eaten, and there’s nothing around but garbage and filth as far as the eye can see. Overpopulation can be a pretty disgusting and scary thing.
The natives of Chesky Island knew this. They knew they had a really cool thing so they kept it secret. Nobody ever left the island and nobody ever came to visit because of the terrible storms and the low mist that hung over the island that hid it.
Nothing lasts forever and the natives of Chesky island were soon discovered. During the crusades, a nobleman named Jean Pierre Le Blanc Champagne was sailing his boat to go fight off the evil heritics who worshipped Snatcher, when lo and behold a terrible storm blew the ship high into the air and it crashed on the banks of Chesky Island. As they all swam close to the island they were all eaten alive by invisible jellyfish. Jean Pierre saw the whole thing and swam all the way back to the mainland, He told the whole story to a fair maiden who pulled him to the shore, and then he died, painfully, from intense exhaustion.
This fair maiden told everyone in France about the island. Boats sailed out every single day trying to find it. They all sailed out looking for the land of paradise, and nobody ever returned. The natives killed everyone who landed on the shore. It was horrible. That’s when the King of France got a brilliant idea. He decided to just send all the prisoners there.
In a way, Chesky Island is like a combination between Alcatraz and Australia. Except once you get onto Chesky Island you can never leave. You’re trapped. Your there forever. Oh sure, loads of people have escaped. But if you get found, they send you right back. It’s like a giant prison and most people don’t even know they’re a prisoner. They’re perfectly fine with the whole situation and they don’t even know what’s going on. Some people find out and they don’t even care at all. Violet and her mother tried to leave, but it didn’t work out for them. They’re escape route just led them back where they started.
This is Violet.
People think that she is very strange. That’s because she is very strange. Her mother makes all of her clothes with a kick pump sewing machine.
She makes the cloth herself from cotton that she grows out of her backyard. It takes forever to do. Violet is madly in love with Lewis, of course, but she isn’t allowed to have anything to do with him because he and his mother stole their house. Violet talks to him anyway.
This is Violet. Violet Everglades.
Lewis thinks she’s very strange. And that’s because she is. He likes her though. He thinks she is very pretty, even though she is out of her mind and likes to carry an eyeball around in her shoulder bag.
When Violet was four years old she drowned. Her soul left her body and she saw into the 8th dimension. But before she could focus her eyes and see what was out there on the other side…she was back.
A boy had saved her. He was not the handsome prince that she had hoped would save her from peril one day. He was just an ordinary boy with freckles who most likely had no idea what on earth a knight in shining armor was. There was no mouth to mouth resuscitation, no brave kiss or chariot with five white horses to take her away to the castle nonesuch high on the hill. She was so disappointed and wasn’t quite sure what to think.There was no fancy stuff at all with this kid.
The boy who saved her life had only given her a slap on the back to knock the water out of her lungs. Then he smacked her on the butt and told her to say out of the ocean. Then he ran off. She never saw him again until the summer they came back from Vacation, twelve years later. She wasn’t exactly sure it was him first. However, the more she thought about it, the more she knew that it had to be him. She just couldn’t go out an say anything about it though. She wasn’t supposed to be friends with him at all. There was a bit of a bad situation going on. It’s a long story and it all started with an advertisement. Actually it could have really all started because Violet’s dad died, but then again that could have been caused by that fortune telling vending machine in the town square. One thing always leads to another, so it goes.
One Evening, Violet’s mother, Melba Everglades received a fortune cookie that said “Today your husband will die and you will become a poor widow.” It was horrible. She knew it would come true because all of the predictions had come true. The day before she got a fortune cookie that said that she would trip and fall and get a nasty cut on the leg, and it happened.
Horrified, Mrs. Everglades ran all the way home and when she got to the front door, her two little girls were sitting on the doorstep crying. That really freaked her out and she did a double take. She should only have one daughter now. The other one died tragically a few months earlier. Why were they both sitting there together on the steps? She looked again and she only saw Violet there. Lily, the dead child was gone. It had only been her mind playing tricks on her. Her mind was playing tricks because she was guilty. She had caused her daughter and her husband to die. There was no doubt about that. She had the evil eye and if she didn’t get rid of it fast, someone would find out and send her to prison. Using the evil eye was forbidden on Chesky Island. But possession of the evil eye, well that was just way too much. She had to get rid of it fast. But where could she put it where nobody would find it? She had to think fast. So she put it in the only place that she could think of where nobody would dream of looking for it.
The Lurch cometh at midnight. Blessed is the man whom he shall find watching. For it is he who will escape.
The Lurch is something bad. The Lurch is your greatest fear made real. The Lurch cometh at midnight. He will take your soul away in the night and you will never see then sun shine again.
Unless you escape.
Jamcracker Theatre Presents
The Fire at the Clock Factory
A tale from the Atlantica Fairy Tale Collection Vol. 7, Tales from France
Once upon a time, in France, there was a King who loved clocks so much that he built a huge factory to fill the world with household appliances that could be ran by clock power. But something went very wrong. The clock factory blew up in flames one day and nobody knew how to pump water out of the ocean to put out the flames.
They had the equipment. They knew it was possible, but they didn’t know know how to hook up the hoses to the water pump. By the time they did figure out how to attach the hose to the hydrant, the whole factory was burned down to the ground. The only thing left standing was the plumbing and a huge pile of jagged edged circles.
And to make things worse, the huge explosion that caused the fire in the first place caused an earthquake that created a giant tsunami. The people saw it coming from miles away. They all saw it coming. They knew it was deadly. They knew that water would kill them all if they didn’t do something. So they all jumped into their underground cave system to wait until the whole thing passed over. And they are all still there to this day. Unless someone’s moved them.
They seriously should have read the owner’s manual.
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I don’t know who invented the limelight pen, but loads of people have one now and are having so much fun they do it day and night. Some people have become so obsessed with this new adventurous hobby that they’ve quit their jobs, stopped brushing their teeth, and even stopped ironing their shirts.
They are all waiting, hoping, wishing, and praying that some day soon their hairy domesticated houseguests will someday soon develop the habit of keeping house. It hasn’t happened yet, but that’s because they haven’t tried the new improved version with retinol.
I realize this sounds very strange, but I am talking about the people who live on Chesky Island. You do have to take that into consideration. You know how Chesky’s are. They’re just weird.
Do you know who the Chesky’s are? The Chesky’s are the people who live on Chesky Island. It’s the Island where the largest clock factory in the world was until the fire of 1789. Its really famous. They wrote symphonies and plays about it a long time ago, back when those sorts of things were popular. But if you’re not familiar with all of this, I’ll explain.
Chesky Island is a small island that is right smack in the middle of the Gulf of Lion, just off the South of France. It’s not on the recent maps. The ultrasonic waves that bounce off the soil deflect waves from satellite dishes.
Chesky island is there. I assure you. I read an article about it in the 1868 edition of the Encyclopedia Atlantica. And let me tell you, the people on that island are freaking looney tunes. Two hundred years ago, there was a town in France where the people wouldn’t stop fighting. What were they fighting about? Well, I’ll tell you. There were a few people in a small coastal town that decided everyone would be better off if everyone stopped saying six profane words.
These words are so vulgar and offensive, that I am forbidden to write them down for fear of being murdered. That’s right. I’m talking about cuss words. You know how some people are when they hear cuss words. They get all freaked out and bent out of shape. So a bunch of hoity toity ultra conservative people started a secret underground society that would kill you in your sleep if you ever said a bad word.
You would think that would have put an end to cussing, but it wasn’t. People died in their sleep every single night and nobody could figure out who was doing it. And still, the people kept saying these horrible vulgar words. They cussed day and night just for fun. They didn’t care that they would soon die. They loved cussing. It made them so happy. ” You can never understand”, they would always say,” you can never understand how wonderful it is to really really let out a good batch of foul words. It’s so fabulous that once you start you can never stop. It’s sheer euphoria. Life just isn’t worth living unless you fill your life profane speech.”
The cussers had to stop or they would all die. They had to be saved. So a group of women arranged for them all to be sent to an abandoned Island… Chesky Island. They were sent there for safety, but most of all, because they were really annoying. The King of France promised that if they all stop saying bad words for twenty years, they could all come back and joined society.
But the news came back to the King that people just kept cussing. They wouldn’t change their ways at all. So, the King hired a scientiest named Jean-Claude-Pierre Bordoux Le Pip Franswa to do away with profane words once and for all. This brilliant scientist captured the sonic vibrations that caused the bad words to be both spoken and heard. He captured these vibrations with a magnetic device, and inserted them into a big copper bottle. He sealed the bottle tight and hid it away. Not even Snatcher himself, the legendary evil creature of the underworld who created these bad words in the first place, could let the words out ever again.
The people of Chesky Island were furious. But with no cuss words to express their intense rage and fury, they just stayed there on the island and wallowed in their misery. Because they were so isolated from the rest of the world, they had to survive with the primitive technology of clockwork. Everything was run with gears and cranks. This is tiring of course so naturally, over time a guy figured out a way to hook everything in his house up to one big giant crank that he could get other people to crank for him.
In theory this works, but it isn’t so easy to get other people to wind up your crank. So he invented the world’s first vending machine.
You put your money into the machine, and out pops a portrait. It was brilliant and nobody could figure out how it worked which made it all the more exciting. Pretty soon, nobody had any money left and they wanted a refund so they could buy food and clothes. So, the nice inventor said they could have all the money back if they would wind the big crank that ran the stuff in his house. It was wonderful. For the inventor guy anyway, but nothing stays the same forever. People soon caught on to his little scheme. But instead of just boycotting the vending machine, they made some themselves and pretty soon everyone on the island had their own personal vending machine.
Of course the people with the most successful vending machines don’t ever have to wind up their own houses. But this isn’t fair, you know, for the people who aren’t lucky enough to be born with such talent for business, so a group of people got together and formed a crankers guild. If you wind the crank for someone else for so long that your arm becomes injured and distorted, then you too can live a life of ease and never have to wind cranks again.
It isn’t easy being a crank winder. It’s a rough job. You wake up in the morning, wind your crank and then go off and wind cranks for everyone else all day long. Then you have to go back home and wind your own crank for a while and then you go to bed, wake up, and do it all over again.
Oh sure, winding cranks may sound like loads of fun. It’s scientifically proven that winding cranks builds bone strength, agility and stamina. It tones the muscles, and builds character. Sure it’s great for a couple days and perhaps can be endured cheerily for a couple of years, but can you imagine having to wind someone else’s crank day in and day out for your entire life? It can really get to you. But hey, it’s part of life, so cowboy up and deal with it. If you were born to be a crank winder, you better shut up and do your job, because there isn’t another way.
Or at least, that’s what the youth of Chesky Island were told. Most people take the crank their given and wind it like they’re told. But not Lewis. He’s got too much of his father in him.
This is Lewis. Lewis Harvey. He was born to be a crank winder.
Unfortunately for him, he didn’t want to be a crank winder when he turned 18. He had other dreams. He wanted to become an archaeologist. That was his father’s dream too. Too bad his dad burned that bridge. Now he’s doomed forever. He is trapped in a situation that he will be in for the rest of his life. And he thought crank winding was bad. There’s rats in those prisons, you know,…and lurches too. Lots of them. And if you stay there long enough you’ll turn into one too. Oh sure. There’s more than one lurch. Lurches are everywhere.
Do you believe in the Lurch?
When you’re a kid and someone in your immediate family does something outlandish and horrible like murdering, stealing money out of ding dong machines, and burning down bridges…everyone and their cat believes that you will have the same fate. They believe that since you are related by the bonds of genetic DNA, then the blueprints for the future are already there, and there is nothing to stop you from becoming just like that bad evil relative. It’s called the blood circle. You’re born into your destiny. It’s given to you at birth.
So shut up and stop trying so hard to be wealthy and prosperous. It’s not going to happen. You’re doomed.
This is Lewis. Lewis Harvey.
Poor Lewis. Nobody ever told him that his dad burned down that bridge and got sent to prison. Nobody knew how to tell him when he was little, and when he grew old enough to be informed of the fact that his real father was a criminal and had been lurched no less than 17 times before he lost his mind and went on a rampage of destruction.
His mother was so upset that she cried day and night and ate nothing but ding dongs and ho hos. She thought about suicide, but she decided that she had to stay alive to protect her dear son from the Lurch. She couldn’t commit suicide if she wanted to anyway because there was no longer a bridge to jump off. The thought of this just made her cry more and eat more ho hos and ding dongs.
So let me get this straight. The sun’s rays will cause me to die, but I need to get plenty of x-rays to make sure that I am alive and well.
However, x-rays will cause my unborn child to develop a disease and die by the age of 13. Tell me. Is there a cream that I can use to prevent it? Why yes…there is…
And for more extreme situations….try our brand new
It makes me wonder.