Invasion of the Loco Locusts

I filled my backyard with sunflowers because

1. They are pretty and they make me happy

2.  According to theory, the bugs and other pests will leave the garden alone, and only eat the sunflowers.

Maybe this is true.  The sunflower leaves are infested with aphids, and my cucumbers are just fine.  But the sunflowers are covered in these crazy grasshoppers.  Then they ate my apple tree!

Once again, I think that planting sunflowers amongst the garden might be just another wives-tale passed onto the pilgrims from the ancient Indians.  (The feather Indians, not the dot Indians.)

I watched this permaculture video by this guy in Australia named Geoff Lawton.  He said that if you have a grasshopper infestation, then you have a lack of ducks and geese.  In my own little fantasy land, I have a full functioning permaculture food forest.

In reality, I’ve got a backyard full of weeds and mis shapen fruit that tastes kinda bad.  I guess I could dig a pond and get some geese, but my kids will drown in the pond, the geese will fly away, and the neighbors will call the code enforcers on me.

My husband, Clyde, told me that if I want to get rid of the grasshoppers, then I need to get rid of the sunflowers.  The sunflowers are looking kind of scraggly looking, and I guess it’s time to get rid of them.  They shade out the rest of the plants, and hog all the nutrients from the soil.  I guess I planted them too close to my other plants.

So one night, I started pulling up the sunflowers, and those evil grasshoppers started swarming and landing all over me.  I had a bad experience with grasshoppers lately.  The last time I declared war on the grasshoppers and started killing them, one of the twins, Nick Kick, had a terrible accident with a shovel.

But of course, that’s ridiculous.  Those grasshoppers don’t really have supernatural powers.  That’s impossible.  That’s just silly.  But still, I wonder.  It seems like ever since that week that I went around smashing grasshoppers, those little buggers keep flying into me and landing on me.  It’s almost as if they are trying to intimidate me.

Just look at them!  They’re everywhere.

They’re evil and they’re just waiting for the perfect moment to attack me.  So when I started pulling up the sunflowers, I started thinking of that old movie by Alfred Hitchcock called “The Birds”  I guess being attacked by a flock of birds doesn’t seem as scary as Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street, but when you’re being attacked by dozens of little varmints, it’s a whole nother story.

Those grasshoppers landed all over me.  It was freaky.  I just knew they were after me.  I’m bigger and stronger.  So I started pulling them off and squishing them so I could run back inside where it’s nice and safe.  Boy was I wrong.  Those things are telekinetic.  As soon as I got inside, the other twin, Porkchop Flannigan, did a summer sault off the back of the sofa and landed flat on his face.  He got a bloody lip and busted a tooth out.  He looked like Mohamed Ali after a boxing match.  He spit out a tooth and a mouthful of blood.

It makes me wonder though, is it the grasshoppers doing this, or is it my own telekinetic powers gone crazy due to fear.

My Very Eager Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas

The guy in this picture is really short. Does that mean he’s not really a person?  Does size matter?

Speaking of short people, this is CD Holder

(That is actually his real name.  I’ve heard that it stands for constant dick, but I think that’s just a rumor.  It suits him though.)

CD Holder was the shortest guy in my high school. He was a couple inches shorter than me.  He wasn’t short enough to be a midget, but not quite tall enough to play basketball or reach the glasses out of the cabinet without getting a chair or climbing up onto the counter.

This is Melissa

She was a wee little lass.  I would say that she was short enough to be a munchkin in “The Wizard of OZ”.  She wasn’t a dwarf or a midget or anything, just extremely short.

There is a habit among most people, to just say every thought that pops into their head. It is for this reason, that so many people are great at mind reading.

If you want to do well in social situations, and get along marvelously with your peers, the thing to do is keep your mouth shut and plaster on the poker face.  Stating the obvious is considered rude and downright annoying in our society.

When I was in high school, I did not know this.

One cold and rainy autumn morning, I was prancing down the hallway  in a cheery delightful mood and I saw something that I had never seen before in my life.  I was so excited with this thrilling experience, that I stated my observation loud and clear so everyone around could see what an amazing brilliant observer I was.

I saw CD Holder and Melissa Heeler walking side by side, hand in hand in the hallway.  So I said “Oh my goodness gracious, isn’t that so adorable.”

They both looked up at me and shot me the evil eye.

Now that I think of it, this incident might have been the reason why CD Holder went a little crazy shaving my head at summer camp, and it might have been why he was so eager to throw a phone at me in the Lollapallooza incident.

I really don’t understand why it’s so bad and insulting to be short.  Being short might be wonderful.  You don’t have to eat as much food and can save loads of money.  You can buy clothes in the children’s section.  They get all the good clothes.  So what’s the big deal.

But alas, I guess they hate it because they are not considered real people by the rest of the world.

Modern Day Scientists have recently redefined the qualifications for being a real person.

1. You have to be tall enough to reach the gas pedal in a car.

2. You have to be tall enough to look the teller at the bank in the eye when making a deposit.

3.  You have to be tall enough to dress in the adult section at Macys.

If you do not meet all three of these requirements, you are not a real person.

Oh, I suppose that sounds pretty nasty, don’t you?  Well it is.  I made all this up.

Do you know why?

Because a bunch of geeky scientists who have nothing better to do with their time, all got together and decided that Pluto is not really a planet because it doesn’t have enough gravity to keep all the asteroids away from it.  Pluto is not orbitationally dominant, so it no longer qualifies as a real planet.

So my very eager mother just served us nine….

The mnemonic rhyme no longer works anymore thanks to the big headed know it all scientists who think they’re better than everyone else.  That is sooo not cool. I’m a tad bit offended that Pluto isn’t considered real anymore.  It orbits the sun.  It’s round and has a moon!

But no, it’s just not good enough to qualify as part of our solar system.  It’s not perfect and so we cast it aside like a leper at a debutant ball.

Everybody has to do with what the scientists say, because they talk in mathematical equations that are so complicated that everyone thinks they are the smartest people in the world.  But guess what!  They’re all a bunch of idiots who wear stupid looking clothes.

So I have decided to make up my own rules.

Rules to be a real person

1.  You have to admit that Pluto is a real planet