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Aside

When Violet was a little girl, her mother took her to Spain to dance at a bull fight.  It was to be her moment in the sunlight.  She had never been more excited in her entire life.  For days, weeks and months she looked forward to meeting the son of the Matador after a long and bloody fight.

But alas. The Bull did not fight.  The so called fierce and ferocious Bovine just sat on the ground smelling the flowers.  There was no fight, there was no blood and gore.  There was no bloodthirsty violence.  It was both embarrassing and bad for the Spanish economy.  Someone had to be blamed for the upheaval, so they blamed the French Family that had brought the dancing girl.    They sent them back to France and accused the little girl of carrying the evil eye.  The bad and evil eye that causes bad luck and calamity.

evileye

It is forbidden to use or carry the evil eye.  Posession of the evil eye will get you sent to Chesky Island.  And if you go to Chesky Island, you can never go back to the mainland ever again.  You are there for life.

They don’t beat around the bush in France.  They aren’t stupid there.  It is obvious who the culprit is, there is no need for the wishy wash. It is for this reason that prisoners aren’t read their rights right before they get sent through the tunnel of darkness and land on Chesky Island.

Violet didn’t have any rights.  She did what she was told.  She did what she was told and she still got in trouble.  How do ya like that?  You know why?  Because her mother was an idiot, that’s why.  But hey, you gotta stand by your family.  Right?

When Violet got to the island, she went to live in Terraced housing.  Do you know what a terrace is?  A terrace is a giant staircase made of long strips of houses.  It’s how the whole Island is built up on the South side.  The house Violet went to live in was house number 9, third house, downtown.

terraced

 

There were four in her family when they left that house.  And only two of them lived long enough to escape.

Violet Escaped with her mother, but they were soon found out and were sent right back to Chesky Island.  Unfortunately, when they got back, someone else was living in their house.  That’s the way it goes.  Hidden within the walls of the house were the directions for how to get off the island.  Violet’s mother hid them behind the plumbing before they left.  She left them there because if she ever got sent there again, she wanted to make sure she could find them again.  She hated Chesky Island and couldn’t imagine having to be trapped there for all eternity.

This is what was really going on.  Violet’s mother, I’m sorry to say, was a little bit loonie tunes.  She told Violet that they were going back to their Vacation home for a few months.  But when they didn’t get assigned the same house, she told Violet that the people living there were squatters and if they needed a place that bad then they could have it for all she cared.  She did need to get a magic amulet that she left in the walls, however, and she sent Violet over there time and time again to go searching for it.

Of course it wasn’t a magic amulet she was after.  She wanted a box of money, the map, and the list of directions and necessary items you need to escape.  She didn’t tell Violet they were prisoners.  She was too embarrased.

Nobody talks about being a prisoner, it’s forbidden.  And since nobody talks about it, kids grow up not knowing what on earth is really going on.  And when you have no clue what’s going on, it sort of seems like something isn’t right.  There’s a good reason for that.  If something doesn’t seem right, it’s probobly not.

A Long time ago in Spain

Aside

If you happen to live in a secluded place that’s perfect and really awesome, the thing to do is keep your mouth shut and not tell anyone about it.  Otherwise everyone and their dog will find out about it and pretty soon all the good food has been eaten, and there’s nothing around but garbage and filth as far as the eye can see.  Overpopulation can be a pretty disgusting and scary thing.

The natives of Chesky Island knew this.  They knew they had a really cool thing so they kept it secret. Nobody ever left the island and nobody ever came to visit because of the terrible storms and the low mist that hung over the island that hid it.

Nothing lasts forever and the natives of Chesky island were soon discovered.  During the crusades, a nobleman named Jean Pierre Le Blanc Champagne was sailing his boat to go fight off the evil heritics who worshipped Snatcher, when lo and behold a terrible storm blew the ship high into the air and it crashed on the banks of Chesky Island.  As they all swam close to the island they were all eaten alive by invisible jellyfish.  Jean Pierre saw the whole thing and swam all the way back to the mainland, He told the whole story to a fair maiden who pulled him to the shore, and then he died, painfully, from intense exhaustion.

This fair maiden told everyone in France about the island.  Boats sailed out every single day trying to find it.  They all sailed out looking for the land of paradise, and nobody ever returned.  The natives killed everyone who landed on the shore.  It was horrible.  That’s when the King of France got a brilliant idea.  He decided to just send all the prisoners there.

In a way, Chesky Island is like a combination between Alcatraz and Australia.  Except once you get onto Chesky Island you can never leave.  You’re trapped. Your there forever.  Oh sure, loads of people have escaped.  But if you get found, they send you right back.  It’s like a giant prison and most people don’t even know they’re a prisoner.  They’re perfectly fine with the whole situation and they don’t even know what’s going on.  Some people find out and they don’t even care at all.  Violet and her mother tried to leave, but it didn’t work out for them.  They’re escape route just led them back where they started.

This is Violet.

Violet

People think that she is very strange.  That’s because she is very strange.  Her mother makes all of her clothes with a kick pump sewing machine.

She makes the cloth herself from cotton that she grows out of her backyard.  It takes forever to do.  Violet is madly in love with Lewis, of course, but she isn’t allowed to have anything to do with him because he and his mother stole their house.  Violet talks to him anyway.

automation

This is Violet.  Violet Everglades.

Violet

Lewis thinks she’s very strange.  And that’s because she is.  He likes her though.  He thinks she is very pretty, even though she is out of her mind and likes to carry an eyeball around in her shoulder bag.

When Violet was four years old she drowned.  Her soul left her body and she saw into the 8th dimension.  But before she could focus her eyes and see what was out there on the other side…she was back.

A boy had saved her.  He was not the handsome prince that she had hoped would save her from peril one day.  He was just an ordinary boy with freckles who most likely had no idea what on earth a knight in shining armor was.  There was no mouth to mouth resuscitation, no brave kiss or chariot with five white horses to take her away to the castle nonesuch high on the hill.  She was so disappointed and wasn’t quite sure what to think.There was no fancy stuff at all with this kid.

The boy who saved her life had only given her a slap on the back to knock the water out of her lungs.  Then he smacked her on the butt and told her to say out of the ocean.  Then he ran off.  She never saw him again until the summer they came back from Vacation, twelve years later.  She wasn’t exactly sure it was him first.  However, the more she thought about it, the more she knew that it had to be him.  She just couldn’t go out an say anything about it though.  She wasn’t supposed to be friends with him at all.  There was a bit of a bad situation going on.  It’s a long story and it all started with an advertisement. Actually it could have really all started because Violet’s dad died, but then again that could have been caused by that fortune telling vending machine in the town square.  One thing always leads to another, so it goes.

One Evening, Violet’s mother, Melba Everglades received a fortune cookie that said “Today your husband will die and you will become a poor widow.”  It was horrible.  She knew it would come true because all of the predictions had come true.  The day before she got a fortune cookie that said that she would trip and fall and get a nasty cut on the leg, and it happened.

Horrified, Mrs. Everglades ran all the way home and when she got to the front door, her two little girls were sitting on the doorstep crying.  That really freaked her out and she did a double take.  She should only have one daughter now.  The other one died tragically a few months earlier.  Why were they both sitting there together on the steps?  She looked again and she only saw Violet there.  Lily, the dead child was gone.  It had only been her mind playing tricks on her.  Her mind was playing tricks because she was guilty.  She had caused her daughter and her husband to die.  There was no doubt about that.  She had the evil eye and if she didn’t get rid of it fast, someone would find out and send her to prison.  Using the evil eye was forbidden  on Chesky Island.  But possession of the evil eye, well that was just way too much.  She had to get rid of it fast.  But where could she put it where nobody would find it?  She had to think fast.  So she put it in the only place that she could think of where nobody would dream of looking for it.

evileye

The evil eye

Aside

Jamcracker Theatre Presents

The Fire at the Clock Factory

A tale from the Atlantica Fairy Tale Collection Vol. 7, Tales from France

Once upon a time, in France, there was a King who loved clocks so much that he  built a huge factory to fill the world with household appliances that could be ran by clock power.  But something went very wrong.  The clock factory blew up in flames one day and nobody knew how to pump water out of the ocean to put out the flames.

They had the equipment.  They knew it was possible, but they didn’t know know how to hook up the hoses to the water pump.  By the time they did figure out how to attach the hose to the hydrant, the whole factory was burned down to the ground.  The only thing left standing was the plumbing and a huge pile of jagged edged circles.

And to make things worse, the huge explosion that caused the fire in the first place caused an earthquake that created a giant tsunami.  The people saw it coming from miles away.  They all saw it coming.  They knew it was deadly.  They knew that water would kill them all if they didn’t do something.  So they all jumped into their underground cave system to wait until the whole thing passed over.  And they are all still there to this day.  Unless someone’s moved them.

 

They seriously should have read the owner’s manual.

We interrupt this program to give you an important message from the Limelight company:

Ever since the beginning of time, people have tried to train their cats and failed miserably.  Up until now.  Now with the limelight pen, you can train your cat to do back flips, somersaults, and even fetch the newspaper.  The highly hypnotic light the pen emits goes directly to the hyper pineal gland behind the retina allowing you to obtain total feline mind control.

limelight

I don’t know who invented the limelight pen, but loads of people have one now and are having so much fun they do it day and night.  Some people have become so obsessed with this new adventurous hobby that they’ve quit their jobs, stopped brushing their teeth, and even stopped ironing their shirts.

They are all waiting, hoping, wishing, and praying that some day soon their hairy domesticated houseguests will someday soon develop the habit of keeping house.  It hasn’t happened yet, but that’s because they haven’t tried the new improved version with retinol.

I realize this sounds very strange, but I am talking about the people who live on Chesky Island.  You do have to take that into consideration.  You know how Chesky’s are.  They’re just weird.

Do you know who the Chesky’s are?  The Chesky’s are the people who live on Chesky Island.  It’s the Island where the largest clock factory in the world was until the fire of 1789.  Its really famous.  They wrote symphonies and plays about it a long time ago, back when those sorts of things were popular.  But if you’re not familiar with all of this, I’ll explain.

Chesky Island is a small island that is right smack in the middle of the Gulf of Lion, just off the South of France.   It’s not on the recent maps.  The ultrasonic waves that bounce off the soil deflect waves from satellite dishes.

cheskyilsand

Chesky island is there.  I assure you.  I read an article about it in the 1868 edition of the Encyclopedia Atlantica.  And let me tell you, the people on that island are freaking looney tunes.  Two hundred years ago, there was a town in France where the people wouldn’t stop fighting.  What were they fighting about?  Well, I’ll tell you.  There were a few people in a small coastal town that decided everyone would be better off if everyone stopped saying six profane words.

These words are so vulgar and offensive, that I am forbidden to write them down for fear of being murdered.  That’s right.  I’m talking about cuss words.  You know how some people are when they hear cuss words.  They get all freaked out and bent out of shape.  So a bunch of hoity toity ultra conservative people started a secret underground society that would kill you in your sleep if you ever said a bad word.

You would think that would have put an end to cussing, but it wasn’t.  People died in their sleep every single night and nobody could figure out who was doing it. And still, the people kept saying these horrible vulgar words.   They cussed day and night just for fun.  They didn’t care that they would soon die.  They loved cussing.  It made them so happy. ” You can never understand”, they would always say,” you can never understand how wonderful it is to really really let out a good batch of foul words.  It’s so fabulous that once you start you can never stop.  It’s sheer euphoria.  Life just isn’t worth living unless you fill your life profane speech.”

The cussers had to stop or they would all die.  They had to be saved.  So a group of women arranged for them all to be sent to an abandoned Island… Chesky Island.  They were sent there for safety, but most of all, because they were really annoying.  The King of France promised that if they all stop saying bad words for twenty years, they could all come back and joined society.

But the news came back to the King that people just kept cussing.  They wouldn’t change their ways at all.  So, the King hired a scientiest named Jean-Claude-Pierre Bordoux Le Pip Franswa to do away with profane words once and for all.  This brilliant scientist captured the sonic vibrations that caused the bad words to be both spoken and heard.  He captured these vibrations with a magnetic device, and inserted them into a big copper bottle.  He sealed the bottle tight and hid it away.  Not even Snatcher himself, the legendary evil creature of the underworld who created these bad words in the first place, could let the words out ever again.

The people of Chesky Island were furious.  But with no cuss words to express their intense rage and fury, they just stayed there on the island and wallowed in their misery.  Because they were so isolated from the rest of the world, they had to survive with the primitive technology of clockwork.  Everything was run with gears and cranks.  This is tiring of course so naturally, over time a guy figured out a way to hook everything in his house up to one big giant crank that he could get other people to crank for him.

In theory this works, but it isn’t so easy to get other people to wind up your crank. So he invented the world’s first vending machine.

onehourportraits

You put your money into the machine, and out pops a portrait.  It was  brilliant and nobody could figure out how it worked which made it all the more exciting.  Pretty soon, nobody had any money left and they wanted a refund so they could buy food and clothes.  So, the nice inventor said they could have all the money back if they would wind the big crank that ran the stuff in his house.  It was wonderful.  For the inventor guy anyway, but nothing stays the same forever.  People soon caught on to his little scheme.  But instead of just boycotting the vending machine, they made some themselves and pretty soon everyone on the island had their own personal vending machine.

Of course the people with the most successful vending machines don’t ever have to wind up their own houses.  But this isn’t fair, you know, for the people who aren’t lucky enough to be born with such talent for business, so a group of people got together and formed a crankers guild.  If you wind the crank for someone else for so long that your arm becomes injured and distorted, then you too can live a life of ease and never have to wind cranks again.

It isn’t easy being a crank winder.  It’s a rough job.  You wake up in the morning, wind your crank and then go off and wind cranks for everyone else all day long.  Then you have to go back home and wind your own crank for a while and then you go to bed, wake up, and do it all over again.

Oh sure, winding cranks may sound like loads of fun.  It’s scientifically proven that winding cranks builds bone strength, agility and stamina.  It tones the muscles, and builds character.  Sure it’s great for a couple days and perhaps can be endured cheerily for a couple of years, but can you imagine having to wind someone else’s crank day in and day out for your entire life?  It can really get to you.  But hey, it’s part of life, so cowboy up and deal with it.  If you were born to be a crank winder, you better shut up and do your job, because there isn’t another way.

Or at least, that’s what the youth of Chesky Island were told.   Most people take the crank their given and wind it like they’re told.  But not Lewis.  He’s got too much of his father in him.

 

This is Lewis.  Lewis  Harvey.  He was  born to be a crank winder.

LewisHarvey

Unfortunately for him, he didn’t want to be a crank winder when he turned 18.  He had other dreams.  He wanted to become an archaeologist.  That was his father’s dream too.  Too bad his dad burned that bridge.  Now he’s doomed forever.  He is trapped in a situation that he will be in for the rest of his life.  And he thought crank winding was bad.  There’s rats in those prisons, you know,…and lurches too.  Lots of them.  And if you stay there long enough you’ll turn into one too.  Oh sure.  There’s more than one lurch.  Lurches are everywhere.

Do you believe in the Lurch?

The Book of Snatcher 555