Author Archives: clotildajamcracker

I am aware. Yo sabe.



?Si voy a sufrir, porque no selecta enojarse? Si alguien quiere que yo estaba triste, es inevitable.

If someone is out to get me, they are going to get me no matter what.  If I am going to get it, why not enjoy it.  An then, when they least expect it, take revenge when they are no longer watching.

This isn’t about traditional vengeance.  I have been the doormat, at the end of the day, for a very long time. I am totally cool with that.  I love laying helpless on the floor, while being trampled on.  It’s fantastic.  However, I think it’s time to give someone else a chance to be, this receiving end of perpetual catastrophes.  It is for this reason that I have chosen puta maestra to be my lifelong scapegoat.

Whenever there is trouble in my life and I want to scream; I will send it all to puta maestra in the form of a germ on a public toilet.  Whenever an idiot in a subway station tries to give me the incorrect definition of the word “plethora,”  I will take this knot from within my soul and send it all to puta maestra in the form of a severe stomach cramp.

Whenever I go to McDonalds, and I order chicken Mc nuggets, and the cashier tells me that I can’t have chicken nuggets because it’s too early in the morning.  I am not going to take my rage out on the cashier.  That’s right.  I am sending all my pain, anger and frustration to puta maestra in the form of projectile vomiting and diarrea.

Dear puta maestra, I hope that this Thanksgiving day finds you hugging the porcelain throne.

Just for the record. La verdad.


To whom it may concern,

The stories in this blog are fiction and are not about any real person,place, or thing.

Las cuentas in este blogo son sobre la gente en un otra planeta en sistema solar.


Clotilda Jamcracker


I would like to have a copy of the book “1001 Arabian Nitghts.”  the original version, unabridged.

Yo quisiera obtener una copia de libro “1001 Arabian Nights,” version original.  Todos libros en la colleccion.

The holy women of Arabia don’t tell inappropriate jokes. Las mujeres arabes son demasiadas bonitas en todo el mundo.



It is for this reason that I am forced to tell a bad American joke on their behalf.

Es por este razon que yo necesito confesar que yo lo siento por mi celosia.


Why don’t American women wear Arabian bedsheets?

Por que las mujeres americanas no llevan sabanas?

Porque no hay nada cosas bonitas que sean suficiente grande para cubrar estes mujeres que comer todos.

Because fine linens are not available in extra large.

I am going to hell in a hand basket. Voy a ir a infierno en una canasta pascual.


Spanish Practice: Hypothetical Metaphorical Tense

Translation practice por Clotilda Jamcracker

Berka women
Why do Arabs cover their women with bed sheets?
?Por que Arabes cubren sus mujeres con sabanas?

To hide the smirking faces of those who are plotting against them.
Para esconder ellas que son le conspiran.


If you say this to the wrong person, you should say “I’m sorry.”

Si lo digas a una mujer con la sangre, debas decir “Lo siento.”

Ojala, maestra mia, ojala!


         This poem isn’t just for you, puta maestra.  It’s about every fracking maestra that has blown me off.  This poem is dedicated not to your skanky bitch ho ass, but to many other maestras out there who refused to take the time to write the assignments on the board in a clear legible manner.

   Thank you maestra de espanol for your condescending attitude.  It’s nice to be feel like an idiot.  I’ve been saving up some rage and hostility for quite some time and now I am going to release it all onto you.  When you cry, I hope that the only handkerchief that you can find was previously tainted by someone with oozing boils.


Ojala Maestra Mia, Ojala

by Clotilda Jamcracker

I hope that you step in dog poop while you are on your way to class.

I hope that a thousand birds crap all over your car.

I hope that on Thursday, someone steals all of your clothing while you are swimming in the pool.

I hope that six broken mirrors fall into your swimming pool and curse you with 42 thousand years of bad luck.

I hope that someone with a bad case of syphilis sits on your private toilet.

I hope that you wake up at four o’ clock in the morning with violent diarrhea.

I hope that everything that you have worked hard for falls into the sewer, and I hope that you have to stick your hand into the filth, and fish it out piece by piece.

I hope that someone that you love stabs you in the back.

I hope that rats drink the puss from your oozing wounds.

I hope that the bleeding never stops

I would like to drink your blood for breakfast.

But you’ve got so many diseases that I won’t even let you kiss my ass

I hope that you are struck by a bolt of lightning while jogging in the park

I hope a mugger steals your condoms while you are walking in the dark.

I hope that your husband gets both you and “la otra” pregnant on the same night.

I hope that your baby has six arms and two heads.

I hope that you contract leprosy whilst sitting on a public toilet.  I hope that when your husband takes you to the clinic for medication, he makes wild crazy passionate love to your sister in the next room.

I hope that when your husband makes love to your sister, you can hear her whimper with delight.

I hope that your husband and your sister think that you are dead and you are buried alive.

I hope that the only handkerchief for your tears is tainted with ebola.

I have spent too much valuable time venting about this puta asesina.  I will now use this as an opportunity to practice my usage of the present subjunctive:

Ojala maestra mia

por  Clotilda Jamcracker

Ojala que tu pongas tu pie en caca de perro.

Ojala que tu las golpes un rayo cuando estes trotaendo en la parque.

Ojala que ella se calle en un zanja.

Ojala que ocho mil pajaros pongan cacas en tu coche

Ojala que alguien que se ames, apunules por la espalda.

Ojala que no haya fin a la sangrimiento.

Ojala que yo pueda alcohol isopropyl 91% en tus heridas

Ojala que las ratas de un cueva sucia se tomen lap us de sus heridas sangraba lentamente.

Ojala que tu obtenga lepra.

Ojala que cuando tu esposo te lleve a un clinica para medicacion, que el haga amor con tu hermana.

Ojala que puedas escuchar la voz de tu hermana cuando el se encanta.

Ojala que su esposo y su hermana piensen que estes muerte y seas enterrado vivo.

Ojala que la sola panuela por tus lagrimas este cubierto con ebola.

Ojala que tu esposo te robas tu anillo de boda y se de a su otra.

Ojala maestra mia ojala

Ojala that I do not get kicked out of school for this one.

My teacher is related to the Zodiac killer.


This is the Zodiac Killer. He and my Spanish Teacher have the exact same last name.

Is this a coincidence?  Or does she know about this?  If I ask her, will she deny?  Don’t worry.  I won’t tell her that I know her secret.  If she really is related, I wouldn’t want her to know that I know her secret.

Anyway, I am trying to learn the present subjunctive in my grammar class and I need some help translating the following texts so that I can insert them into my thesis on the Aztecs, the Mayans, and Montezuma’s revenge.  Can you please help.

Thanks, Clotilda Jamcracker

1. I want you to get diarrhea.

2.  You want me to get diarrhea?

3.  Are you serious?  If I had diarrhea I would not be able to teach class.

4.  I don’t mean you.  I mean the other teacher.  I wish for the other teacher to get diarrhea.

5.  When the lady eats the pumpkin pie at thanksgiving, she will crap so hard that her intestines will ache.

6.  I wish that I had not heard that.

7.  I wish that I had not said that.

8.  If you ever talk to me again, I will demand that you leave this class.

9.  If you ask me to leave, I will not go.

10.  If you will not go, I will pick you up and throw you out.