Ode to the Bitch Ho Pendejo

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When I am really mad at someone for being an absolute dim witted idiot, I find it hard to concentrate at the task at hand.    It is for this reason that I let my emotions get the best of me when writing my literary interpretation of Spanish Poetry.

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Maybe I shouldn’t have turned that essay in.  This might not go well for me.

Ode to puta maestra

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I walked into my teacher’s office today and I called her a gran puta.  I don’t think this was a good idea because she bitch slapped me into next Tuesday.  And here it is, Tuesday again, and I’ve missed three tests because of her.  So we shall meet again.  But this time, I’m ready.  I have the evil eye and I know how to use it!

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Why don’t we frack it in the road?

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The purpose of this essay is to inform the reader that fracking is going on right now and some people are offended by it.

I am going to vote about fracking.  I personally believe that people should not use the word “frack” in front of small children.  This is a harsh word that is not appropriate in public schools.  Also, I was sitting in Spanish class yesterday and I told this girl who was sitting next to me which side I was voting for, and she took her shoe off, and hit me with it.

Also, I don’t think the authors of the graffiti blog on the inside of the bathroom stall liked how I felt about their fracking campaign; because the next time I sat in that stall, all of the messages had magically disappeared.

In conclusion, don’t say frack in mixed company.

If I went to the Bagdad Market, I wonder what I would find.

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I found this rug at a garage sale.  They don’t sell rugs like this at Walmart.

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I wanted to go to Arabia and buy one just like it, but I was told not to go.  If you are a woman with blond hair and blue eyes, things might not end well at the Bagdad market.  I fit all of these requirements.  There is no telling what would happen.  I could even get my head chopped off over there.  They think Texans are prejudice, but seriously, compared to being white in Arabia….well. Maybe I’ll shut up now or I will find out the hard way who else they’re prejudice of over there.

Anyway.  I like Arabians.  They have very nice carpets and magical lamps.

God!  No wonder the women walk around in bed sheets over there.

Okay.  So I was walking down the street the other day and this woman walked past me wearing one of those big black bed sheets.  I thought “Oh, that poor Muslim woman has to walk out in this horrible Texan heat,”

When it dawned on me.  “She must have dipped that in ice water before leaving the house.”  Then I thought about something else,,I bet that’s not even a woman.  I bet that was a man.  Maybe it was a movie star who didn’t want to get noticed.”

But what the heck would a movie star be doing in the middle of po dunk Texas?

The Buckleys: A scary Halloween story

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The Buckley’s are moving.  The moving van is in front of the house, but the family left months ago.  They didn’t leave in body bags, though.  It took the sunshine cleaners ages to clean up that mess.  But, I have to admit.  They did have the scariest Halloween decorations that I have ever seen.

Some neighbors try to have the greenest lawns, some go out of their way decorating their rooftops for Christmas.  But since our neighborhood is on the wrong side of the tracks, we compete for the scariest house, we scrounge around and use what we have.

The lady down the street didn’t know that.  She decided to go out and buy supplies  to make a haunted house with a credit card.  She was going to sell tickets and make enough money to pay the electricity bill for six months.  Her plan didn’t work out because of some zoning law with the city.

She forgot to tell her husband all the little details of her plan.  But most importantly, she forgot to ask for his permission to spend money.

All he wanted to do was pay off the credit cards.  All he wanted to do was pay off the mortgage.  But all she wanted to do was impress her friends.

We all had this feeling that something very bad had happened.  We weren’t  sure if it was from a Halloween tape or what.  We’d walk by and listen and try to figure it out.  Half way afraid half way unsure.  Wouldn’t we all feel so stupid if it were just part of the décor.  The red strobe light was flashing against the blood streaked windows.  Was it real? It sure looked real, but it couldn’t be.  Wouldn’t we all feel stupid if we called the cops and they were all decorations.  Yet we knew it was real because we were all too afraid to go near.  It would be like walking up to take a look at the erupting volcano as the lava spewed like blood.

We knew as we got closer and heard the painful whimpering of a woman in so much pain that she could barely move.

I was overcome by a deep, empty feeling as I heard a muffled voice.  He was angry and had apparently gone completely mad.

“You want decorations!  I’ll give you decorations!  And guess what?  These decorations are free.  And they are better than free because I won’t ever have to pay interest on them like those credit cards of yours.  No.  These decorations are free because now I won’t have to work all day and all night to pay those credit cards that you wont stop using.  I told you not to use the credit cards, but you wouldn’t listen.  You never listen.  And now this time, you’re going to pay for all those credit cards you keep running up.  This time, you’ll be the display and I’ll sell tickets.

He hacked up the wife and kids with a rusty machete .  I didn’t see him do it.  I just saw the window display.

Kill the Monarch Butterflies

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Kill the Monarch Butterflies

     The Monarch butterfly is a flying insect with two antennae. It’s only purpose in life is to fly out of Mexico and lay its eggs all over America. These eggs are not the sweet and delicious kind of eggs that can be cooked with chorizo. No. The eggs that these atrocious winged beasts lay are green and good for nothing. It may seem like nothing to have fields of tiger striped caterpillars, munching merrily about on wild milkweed, but it is a hazard to society.

Monarch butterflies live on one food and one food alone. This food is called milkweed and it grows as a weed in tall grassy fields. Many monarch activists claim that mowing the grass along roadsides, kills the Monarch Butterfly in its larval stage. These activists claim that if the lawns continue to be mowed and poisoned, the Monarchs will soon all be extinct.

How dare those activists tell American citizens that they cannot mow their lawn because it belongs to the fluttering butterflies of the air? Lawns have to be mowed in order to maintain dignified society. Tall, unmoved grass is trashy looking and uncivilized.

If the United States government allows the Monarch butterflies to rule the highways, then our society will diminish. It is a hazard to have tall grass next to roadsides. The tall fields of unsightly weeds could become infested with ticks that carry lime’s disease and mosquitoes that carry the West Nile virus. Wild boars harboring the swine flu could also hide in the grassy terrain, not to mention serial killers, convicted felons, arsonists, and even terrorists. It’s a well-known fact that tall fields of grass along road sides absorbs ebola spores from biohazardous waste sites. Allowing grass to grow tall would create an epidemic of disease, madness, and immorality like the world has never seen before.

There is another danger involved with not mowing the grass along the highway. A dog could hide in the tall grass along a busy freeway and suddenly run out into oncoming traffic. This could cause cars to flip. This could even cause a twenty car pile-up, backing up the highway for days. The devastating highway massacres caused by the annual butterfly migration will be catastrophic. Mothers will not be able to get home to feed their children, who will soon starve. Fathers will not be able to get to work. With no money from work, there will be nothing from which to pay the mortgage. It is evident that the entire society will collapse if the United States government allowed these polka dotted flying Mexican party favors to invade American terrain and proclaim that the lawns cannot be mowed for the sole reason that some insect eggs need time to hatch. The world doesn’t revolve around a bunch of flying insects whose sole purpose in life is to go gallivanting through the universe dropping eggs all over the place.

Monarch’s aren’t just terrorizing the humans, they are also posing a threat to bee populations everywhere. Monarch’s bully the bees, sucking up nectar prohibiting the bees from making honey and it is no doubt that the decline of the bees is a direct cause of the monarchs dastardly behavior as the terrorize the insect world.

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The Monarch butterflies need to learn that if they want to live, they have to stay in Mexico, because American lawns have to be mowed. It’s the American way.   This land cannot be ruled by Monarchs. This is the land of economists. This land is ruled by money. The name of the game is profit. Any entity or individual who does not make the most amount of money is out of the game, and out of the country.

There is no money to be made from Monarch butterflies. Monarch butterflies do not power automobiles, nor do they work for extremely low wages assembling wheels and axels. Monarch butterflies cannot produce enough electrical energy to run the television or the refrigerator.   They cannot be ground up and added to hamburgers as a cheap filler. There is no way to buy stock in Monarch butterflies on a trading day on Wall Street, and there will never be a way to get rich quick in the next Monarch butterfly bubble.

No rich tycoon has ever struck it rich preserving butterflies. It is for this reason that we should kill all of the Monarch butterflies. They should all be poisoned, gassed and put to sleep for all eternity before they destroy our lives and the American way of life.

The millions of butterflies that fly south to Mexico every November has caused a major disturbance in public schools. Many teachers postpone their mathematics lessons to teach children about the mating habits of Mexican insects whose only purpose in life is to eat, mate, lay eggs all over America and then die. These tiny polka dotted nectar suckers don’t even stick around to raise their offspring. They just die and leave their young to take care of themselves.

Many claim that we, as Americans should unite together and form habitats for these creatures in order to aid in their survival. However, these environmental activists do not take into consideration the financial burden the Monarch Butterflies will cause upon the nation. The United States of America is currently undergoing a major financial crisis as it is, and cannot afford another burden. It is for this reason that the Monarch butterflies must all die, otherwise it will be the last trigger that finally causes the economy of the United States to collapse into the biggest Great Depression that the world has ever seen.

Yes, that’s right. Kill the Monarchs, kill them dead. Cut the fields of milkweed so short that no Monarch butterfly can live. Withhold the water so the Monarch butterflies will wither away and die. Starve them and dehydrate them. Kill their babies. Smash their eggs.

When all but ten or 12 of the Monarch butterflies are dead, and the species is on the verge of extinction, only then can they be profitable.   These last few specimen can be dipped in formaldehyde and sold to a museum for a large sum of money. Tickets can be sold in order to make a profit. Companies can sell craft kits to children who want to make sculptures of Monarch butterflies out of garbage in order to remember the extinct bug on “Earth Day” every year.

It is evident that Monarch butterflies are draining the pocketbooks of American citizens and it only upon their death that the country will succeed economically. So kill the Monarchs and kill them dead. Kill the insects in their beds. Kill them for fun and kill them for pleasure. Demolish their houses, smash their eggs, poison their babies and break their legs. Cut off their wings and drink their blood. Enjoy their death, for with their termination, our wholesome and pure nation can be free from the terrible reign of the Monarchs once and for all.