The Buckleys: A scary Halloween story

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The Buckley’s are moving.  The moving van is in front of the house, but the family left months ago.  They didn’t leave in body bags, though.  It took the sunshine cleaners ages to clean up that mess.  But, I have to admit.  They did have the scariest Halloween decorations that I have ever seen.

Some neighbors try to have the greenest lawns, some go out of their way decorating their rooftops for Christmas.  But since our neighborhood is on the wrong side of the tracks, we compete for the scariest house, we scrounge around and use what we have.

The lady down the street didn’t know that.  She decided to go out and buy supplies  to make a haunted house with a credit card.  She was going to sell tickets and make enough money to pay the electricity bill for six months.  Her plan didn’t work out because of some zoning law with the city.

She forgot to tell her husband all the little details of her plan.  But most importantly, she forgot to ask for his permission to spend money.

All he wanted to do was pay off the credit cards.  All he wanted to do was pay off the mortgage.  But all she wanted to do was impress her friends.

We all had this feeling that something very bad had happened.  We weren’t  sure if it was from a Halloween tape or what.  We’d walk by and listen and try to figure it out.  Half way afraid half way unsure.  Wouldn’t we all feel so stupid if it were just part of the décor.  The red strobe light was flashing against the blood streaked windows.  Was it real? It sure looked real, but it couldn’t be.  Wouldn’t we all feel stupid if we called the cops and they were all decorations.  Yet we knew it was real because we were all too afraid to go near.  It would be like walking up to take a look at the erupting volcano as the lava spewed like blood.

We knew as we got closer and heard the painful whimpering of a woman in so much pain that she could barely move.

I was overcome by a deep, empty feeling as I heard a muffled voice.  He was angry and had apparently gone completely mad.

“You want decorations!  I’ll give you decorations!  And guess what?  These decorations are free.  And they are better than free because I won’t ever have to pay interest on them like those credit cards of yours.  No.  These decorations are free because now I won’t have to work all day and all night to pay those credit cards that you wont stop using.  I told you not to use the credit cards, but you wouldn’t listen.  You never listen.  And now this time, you’re going to pay for all those credit cards you keep running up.  This time, you’ll be the display and I’ll sell tickets.

He hacked up the wife and kids with a rusty machete .  I didn’t see him do it.  I just saw the window display.

Kill the Monarch Butterflies

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Kill the Monarch Butterflies

     The Monarch butterfly is a flying insect with two antennae. It’s only purpose in life is to fly out of Mexico and lay its eggs all over America. These eggs are not the sweet and delicious kind of eggs that can be cooked with chorizo. No. The eggs that these atrocious winged beasts lay are green and good for nothing. It may seem like nothing to have fields of tiger striped caterpillars, munching merrily about on wild milkweed, but it is a hazard to society.

Monarch butterflies live on one food and one food alone. This food is called milkweed and it grows as a weed in tall grassy fields. Many monarch activists claim that mowing the grass along roadsides, kills the Monarch Butterfly in its larval stage. These activists claim that if the lawns continue to be mowed and poisoned, the Monarchs will soon all be extinct.

How dare those activists tell American citizens that they cannot mow their lawn because it belongs to the fluttering butterflies of the air? Lawns have to be mowed in order to maintain dignified society. Tall, unmoved grass is trashy looking and uncivilized.

If the United States government allows the Monarch butterflies to rule the highways, then our society will diminish. It is a hazard to have tall grass next to roadsides. The tall fields of unsightly weeds could become infested with ticks that carry lime’s disease and mosquitoes that carry the West Nile virus. Wild boars harboring the swine flu could also hide in the grassy terrain, not to mention serial killers, convicted felons, arsonists, and even terrorists. It’s a well-known fact that tall fields of grass along road sides absorbs ebola spores from biohazardous waste sites. Allowing grass to grow tall would create an epidemic of disease, madness, and immorality like the world has never seen before.

There is another danger involved with not mowing the grass along the highway. A dog could hide in the tall grass along a busy freeway and suddenly run out into oncoming traffic. This could cause cars to flip. This could even cause a twenty car pile-up, backing up the highway for days. The devastating highway massacres caused by the annual butterfly migration will be catastrophic. Mothers will not be able to get home to feed their children, who will soon starve. Fathers will not be able to get to work. With no money from work, there will be nothing from which to pay the mortgage. It is evident that the entire society will collapse if the United States government allowed these polka dotted flying Mexican party favors to invade American terrain and proclaim that the lawns cannot be mowed for the sole reason that some insect eggs need time to hatch. The world doesn’t revolve around a bunch of flying insects whose sole purpose in life is to go gallivanting through the universe dropping eggs all over the place.

Monarch’s aren’t just terrorizing the humans, they are also posing a threat to bee populations everywhere. Monarch’s bully the bees, sucking up nectar prohibiting the bees from making honey and it is no doubt that the decline of the bees is a direct cause of the monarchs dastardly behavior as the terrorize the insect world.

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The Monarch butterflies need to learn that if they want to live, they have to stay in Mexico, because American lawns have to be mowed. It’s the American way.   This land cannot be ruled by Monarchs. This is the land of economists. This land is ruled by money. The name of the game is profit. Any entity or individual who does not make the most amount of money is out of the game, and out of the country.

There is no money to be made from Monarch butterflies. Monarch butterflies do not power automobiles, nor do they work for extremely low wages assembling wheels and axels. Monarch butterflies cannot produce enough electrical energy to run the television or the refrigerator.   They cannot be ground up and added to hamburgers as a cheap filler. There is no way to buy stock in Monarch butterflies on a trading day on Wall Street, and there will never be a way to get rich quick in the next Monarch butterfly bubble.

No rich tycoon has ever struck it rich preserving butterflies. It is for this reason that we should kill all of the Monarch butterflies. They should all be poisoned, gassed and put to sleep for all eternity before they destroy our lives and the American way of life.

The millions of butterflies that fly south to Mexico every November has caused a major disturbance in public schools. Many teachers postpone their mathematics lessons to teach children about the mating habits of Mexican insects whose only purpose in life is to eat, mate, lay eggs all over America and then die. These tiny polka dotted nectar suckers don’t even stick around to raise their offspring. They just die and leave their young to take care of themselves.

Many claim that we, as Americans should unite together and form habitats for these creatures in order to aid in their survival. However, these environmental activists do not take into consideration the financial burden the Monarch Butterflies will cause upon the nation. The United States of America is currently undergoing a major financial crisis as it is, and cannot afford another burden. It is for this reason that the Monarch butterflies must all die, otherwise it will be the last trigger that finally causes the economy of the United States to collapse into the biggest Great Depression that the world has ever seen.

Yes, that’s right. Kill the Monarchs, kill them dead. Cut the fields of milkweed so short that no Monarch butterfly can live. Withhold the water so the Monarch butterflies will wither away and die. Starve them and dehydrate them. Kill their babies. Smash their eggs.

When all but ten or 12 of the Monarch butterflies are dead, and the species is on the verge of extinction, only then can they be profitable.   These last few specimen can be dipped in formaldehyde and sold to a museum for a large sum of money. Tickets can be sold in order to make a profit. Companies can sell craft kits to children who want to make sculptures of Monarch butterflies out of garbage in order to remember the extinct bug on “Earth Day” every year.

It is evident that Monarch butterflies are draining the pocketbooks of American citizens and it only upon their death that the country will succeed economically. So kill the Monarchs and kill them dead. Kill the insects in their beds. Kill them for fun and kill them for pleasure. Demolish their houses, smash their eggs, poison their babies and break their legs. Cut off their wings and drink their blood. Enjoy their death, for with their termination, our wholesome and pure nation can be free from the terrible reign of the Monarchs once and for all.

Enter the Gates of the castle nonesuch.

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If you go to the castle nonesuch, you won’t ever want to leave.  All the sheets are made of cotton, 100 percent weave.

At the edge of the  Chesky island, up  at the tippy top.  There’s castle filled with manners, and they always dance up top.   This is the castle nonesuch.  You have never seen such fabrics.  Everything in the castle …is hand made by the finest craftsmen in the world.  If you want to go there, all you do is bring a fine gift and present it to the king as a gift and walk away.  If the king approves and thinks it’s pretty cool, he’ll invite you over to visit the castle.

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That’s it.  He won’t let you live there of course.  He’ll just let you come over and look around.  That way, you can copy it and have one of your own.  It’s less complicated that way.  And if your house ever gets cool enough, you’ll get to do the same thing.  You know, have people bring you way cool gifts all the time.  Oh, and later on, if you get too much stuff, you can give it all away to your friends for Christmas, and they’ll like it.

Oh dear me.  It’s just absolutely delightful being a King.  Everyone on Chesky Island wants to be the King.  However,  I don’t think they even know what the king does.  For starters, the King has to wear Ralph Lauren’s Clothes all the time.  He has to sit proper and drink tea with snobbish old ladies every day at four o clock.  I mean seriously.  Who would want to live like that? I hear, they don’t even look through telescopes.  They don’t have any cranks either.

Jesus Almighty!  How are they surviving?  Lord knows.  There’s a real village behind that castle.  I hear, those people are all warriors who can attack if someone tries to overtake the castle.  Nobody knows they’re there.  Everyone thinks the whole thing is just pretend because it’s so prim and proper.  But it’s real.

They won’t let you visit unless you have the most manners in the whole world.  Everyone on Chesky Island knows this.  You know, the whole thing about manners getting you into the royal gates to have high tea with the queen.  And so they’re are all trying very hard to be the most perfect people in the world, just in case the queen should ask them over for a visit one day.  There’s a rumor that the palace cook has the best crepes you’ve ever tasted.  That’s why everyone wants to go there so bad.

However, nobody from South Chesky Island ever gets to visit the castle nonesuch.  They will never learn what it really means to have manners.   And so it is and so it was, the way it had to be.

Have you had a Ding Dong today?

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This message is brought to you today by Ding Dongs, the snake cake that you don’t have to bake yourself.

 

Jamcracker Theatre Presents

Fairy Tales From France

Volume 1, Story 1

1001 French Rendezvous

A long time ago, in France, there was a little girl.  She didn’t want to marry a handsome prince one day and become the princess.  She wanted to marry the beach lifeguard.  He was a surfer named Larry who had a tatoo of a dolphin over his left shoulder.  It was for this reason that the little girl decided that she was going to be the queen.  She wanted to get her own castle, but she didn’t know how.  So she decided that she would ask the queen herself.  But the only way to do that was to make a gift so wonderful and so great that the queen herself would receive it, like it, and cherish it forever.

So the little girl read every book and listened to every story until she had heard them all over and over again.  Then she wrote them all down neatly in handcrafted leather bound books that are now widely known as the Fairy Tales of France.  The original copy is kept in an underground chamber underneath a secluded Castle in the South of France.

A hand crafted replica of the fairy tale collection was given to the little girl along with an ornately carved castle, which was carved entirely out of stone.  She was given the title…Queen of the Castle Nonesuch.

She was Queen Miette Le Flume, the first queen and founder of Chesky Island.

 

Aside

When Violet was a little girl, her mother took her to Spain to dance at a bull fight.  It was to be her moment in the sunlight.  She had never been more excited in her entire life.  For days, weeks and months she looked forward to meeting the son of the Matador after a long and bloody fight.

But alas. The Bull did not fight.  The so called fierce and ferocious Bovine just sat on the ground smelling the flowers.  There was no fight, there was no blood and gore.  There was no bloodthirsty violence.  It was both embarrassing and bad for the Spanish economy.  Someone had to be blamed for the upheaval, so they blamed the French Family that had brought the dancing girl.    They sent them back to France and accused the little girl of carrying the evil eye.  The bad and evil eye that causes bad luck and calamity.

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It is forbidden to use or carry the evil eye.  Posession of the evil eye will get you sent to Chesky Island.  And if you go to Chesky Island, you can never go back to the mainland ever again.  You are there for life.

They don’t beat around the bush in France.  They aren’t stupid there.  It is obvious who the culprit is, there is no need for the wishy wash. It is for this reason that prisoners aren’t read their rights right before they get sent through the tunnel of darkness and land on Chesky Island.

Violet didn’t have any rights.  She did what she was told.  She did what she was told and she still got in trouble.  How do ya like that?  You know why?  Because her mother was an idiot, that’s why.  But hey, you gotta stand by your family.  Right?

When Violet got to the island, she went to live in Terraced housing.  Do you know what a terrace is?  A terrace is a giant staircase made of long strips of houses.  It’s how the whole Island is built up on the South side.  The house Violet went to live in was house number 9, third house, downtown.

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There were four in her family when they left that house.  And only two of them lived long enough to escape.

Violet Escaped with her mother, but they were soon found out and were sent right back to Chesky Island.  Unfortunately, when they got back, someone else was living in their house.  That’s the way it goes.  Hidden within the walls of the house were the directions for how to get off the island.  Violet’s mother hid them behind the plumbing before they left.  She left them there because if she ever got sent there again, she wanted to make sure she could find them again.  She hated Chesky Island and couldn’t imagine having to be trapped there for all eternity.

This is what was really going on.  Violet’s mother, I’m sorry to say, was a little bit loonie tunes.  She told Violet that they were going back to their Vacation home for a few months.  But when they didn’t get assigned the same house, she told Violet that the people living there were squatters and if they needed a place that bad then they could have it for all she cared.  She did need to get a magic amulet that she left in the walls, however, and she sent Violet over there time and time again to go searching for it.

Of course it wasn’t a magic amulet she was after.  She wanted a box of money, the map, and the list of directions and necessary items you need to escape.  She didn’t tell Violet they were prisoners.  She was too embarrased.

Nobody talks about being a prisoner, it’s forbidden.  And since nobody talks about it, kids grow up not knowing what on earth is really going on.  And when you have no clue what’s going on, it sort of seems like something isn’t right.  There’s a good reason for that.  If something doesn’t seem right, it’s probobly not.

A Long time ago in Spain

Are you watching?

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The legend goes that you can see an earthquake coming a mile away.  Right before it comes there will be the biggest flock of birds that you have ever seen.  This will give you plenty of time to escape.  When you see a flock of frightened birds gathering  together in one spot this is a good indication that the earthquake is coming.  It also means a storm is coming.  A good rule of thumb is, the more freaked out chattery birds in one spot, the worse the storm will be.  As for the big earthquake, the so called big one that has supposedly occurred every three hundred years like clockwork, the birds start rolling in over the horizon.  They roll in and cover the island like the world is about to end.  It’s loud and noisy for three straight days.  Then all of a sudden they all fly off together.  Then the gulf becomes really still and quiet.  It’s too quiet and it makes you think something is up.  Then orange clouds roll in and the whole island is covered in a fog so thick you can’t see.  It’s like this for three days, then it goes away.  Then, three days later, when it seems like nothing is going to happen the earthquake hits.  Sometimes it makes the island sink, sometimes it makes the island come up out of the ground.  But everyone knows that if there’s an earthquake on an island the entire ocean floor around the island also gets rumbled.  And rumbling ocean floors always cause tsunamis.  A tsunami is a huge ocean wave that are so big and strong they can wash out huge cities.  Nobody can survive a Tsunami.  Even if you can swim, you’ll be knocked out and drowned for sure if you get hit by billions of megatons of ocean water.

No, you can’t survive the disaster.  The only way to survive is to get out and get away before it all happens.  So sure, everyone had the equipment to watch out for the storm that was about to come, but there was just no way to escape the island.  And since they weren’t allowed to leave, people just didn’t care about bird watching and storm chasing.  Everyone on the island had telescopes so they could look out for danger.  They had such powerful telescopes that they could see frightened birds coming a mile away. Unfortunately they all had their periscopes pointed in the wrong direction until it was too late to do something sensible.

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Everyone on Chesky Island has a telescope.  Some lucky people even have a periscope.  A long time ago they were used to watch the sunrise and the tides.  The world is so predictable.  The earth and everything on it has a cycle.  The people on Chesky Island seemed to know all about cycles.  Every 365 days there was a huge party with firecrackers in the sky.  This marked the beginning of the new year.  There were parties every Friday night which happened exactly every seven days.  They knew all about cycles.  They also all knew that there was an earthquake and tsunami every few hundred years that always seemed to kill off every single person that lived on the island.

Of course, nobody really believed that it would happen ever again.  It had been so long since the last natural disaster that everyone just decided that the Island had just grown tired and wasn’t going to have one anymore.  A few people really believed the time was near.  They knew the signs.  They knew it was about to happen and they knew that they would be spared because they didn’t say any bad words.  Others had bought caves that were guaranteed to survive both earthquakes and tsunamis.

Yes, natural disasters were indeed the best topic of conversation guaranteed to spark up interest in every Friday night party and Wednesday night gatherings.  They called this watching out and being attentive.  But they weren’t watching.  They were watching something but they didn’t have their telescopes pointing at what they were supposed to be looking at.  They were supposed to be watching the sunrise every morning.  But alas they were not.  It was too boring for them.  And what difference did it make anyway?  If the everyone on the island was bound to die, the only real way to escape was to sneak into the stone castle on the North Side of the island.

On the North Side of the Island was a huge castle carved out of a single rock.  It had been standing there since the beginning of time and people were living in it.  These people wore the most beautiful clothes they had ever seen.  Everything in their house was beautiful and they didn’t seem to have piles of garbage everywhere.  It was for this reason, that they decided a king must live there.  It was exciting to watch these people.  They gave them all names and watched them night and day through their telescopes.  They called this the castle Nonesuch, because in all the world, there was none such a castle as marvelous as this one.  It was surrounded with date palm trees.  Chickens and cows wandered around it, and the bay was filled with shrimps and Lobsters.  The gulf was so much bluer by the castle and nobody could figure out why on earth it wasn’t brown and filled with mounds of floating muck.

So, you see.  Everyone wasn’t just drinking hot and steamy Zorba and playing with their cats.  They had their eye on the castle Nonsesuch.

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They all dreamed that they would one day get to live there.  They all decided that if they watched the people in the castle long enough that one day they would magically wind up living in the castle  themselves.  They all had this dream, but nobody talked about it.  According to popular rumors, the people in the castle worshipped Snatcher and said bad words.  They would all burn up in Hades one day.  For all riches and anything of real beauty comes from Snatcher.  Some people believed that the castle was just one of Snatcher’s tricks.

Do you believe in the Lurch?

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The Lurch is someone you know.  He is someone you’ve seen every day.  If he gets you alone his eyes will turn black.  The room will grow grow so warm that you feel like you are sitting inside a clam shell. That’s when the lurch sticks out his tongue and slurps the marrow from your bones.